Draft Mockery (3)

9:02 – The Nets take Antoine Wright? I’ve gotta be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him play. Guess I’ve gotta trust the Nets, but doesn’t he play the same position as Vince and Richard Jefferson? Also, Bernie Bickerstaff knows what’s up. The Raptors are up next, and I expect them to take someone I’ve never heard of.

9:08 – Well, I’ve heard of Joey Graham. And he’s a decent replacement for Vince Carter, I’d think. David Stern will still have to do some magic with free agency to keep the NBA viable in Canada, though. They’re still not looking like a playoff team, and I can’t imagine many people really care anymore. Where’s Green and Granger? The Pacers up next—take Green!

9:12 – The Pacers take Granger, who’s also a great pick. He’s good to go, obviously, and should fit in well. Worse comes to worse, he’s probably got more trade value than the average 17th pick. Celtics up next with their first pick of the day.

9:18 – Gerald GREEN to the Celtics? Guess that makes sense. They’re stockpiling the youth, that’s for sure. Al Jefferson is already terrific, and Green should be up there once he bulks up a bit. Well, if he even has to—Larry Hughes, Tayshaun Prince and Rip Hamilton are fine skinny. The Grizzlies are on the clock, and who’s left in the green room? Just Hakim Warrick.

9:24 – And he’s not lonely for long. With Warrick, Stro Show, Pau Gasol and Lorenzen Wright, I’m guessing someone (or two) is out of town soon. Bilas and Vitale should love this one. I just don’t quite get what position he’s going to play. He’s athletic as hell, but the basketball talent is the concern. Especially if he has to play the 3. Denver’s on the clock. And is it just me, or is being overlooked the story of EVERY basketball player’s life? Well, except maybe Shaq.

9:31 – Neat—they talk about Julius Hodge when Warrick got picked, and the Nuggets take Hodge. They certainly need a two guard out there in Denver, and Hodge is a good one. Work on that trey, Julius. And did Jerry West just say that Hakim Warrick was a great player at Princeton? Phoenix is up.

9:36 – Nate the (new) Skate! To Phoenix! Which is awesome for the few minutes it lasts, until it’s revealed that he might end up in New York in the Quentin Richardson deal. But if Q is coming in as the starting 2, and Crawford is supposed to back up both spots, where does Nate fit in? At least he’s properly undersized. He’ll probably start at power forward.

9:42 – Denver with Jarrett Jack. He’ll have to be the backup point guard for a while, but the Nuggets get another strong ACC guy. And best yet, NO one from Duke has been picked yet. Not that it’s been expected, but it’s still nice to see a complete lack of Blue Devils. Sacto’s up. And incidentally, I feel like Danny Granger’s singing may have played a role in his dropping out of the lottery.

9:50 – The Kings take Francisco Garcia. Someone else who can help right away, and of course he’ll appeal to the huge Hispanic population in Sacramento. “Must Improve: Durability.” Um yeah, that’s simple, right? Just get some new bumpers.

9:55 – Luther Head to the Rockets. He’s going to get to play with two superstars? Yao Ming isn’t a superstar yet. And the Sonics, up next, are allegedly excited about Andrieuskivicius—don’t they already have Robert Swift and Nick Collison? And they technically don’t have a coach, either.

9:56 – DAMN YOU, COACH K. AND AMERICAN EXPRESS!!!!!

9:59 – The Sonics take Johan Petro and mess the whole thing up. A different international cat, but at least he might be sort of ready to go. Then again, he’s 19, too. Watching international highlights never gets old—love the trapezoidal lane. An out-of-the-crowder, at least Tony Parker’s got company. Trade proposal! Nuggets to send Jarrett Jack for the 27th pick and the 35th. Who cares? The Pistons are up next, and they should definitely take Andrieuskivicius to use as another bookend with Darko Milicic. That would also get rid of Larry Brown.

10:03 – I respect the money he’s making, but something about the Mos Def GMC commercial just seems really wrong. Can’t help but wonder what Talib Kweli thinks.

10:06 – Jason Maxiell? He’s an athlete, I suppose, but he’s kind of short for what he does. And where the heck is he going to play? Ruben Patterson 2005!

10:10 – Blazers! Linas Kleiza! He looks good in highlights, even though he played for that slimeball in Missouri. Spurs on the clock.

10:17 – The Spurs take Ian Mahinmi from France. He’s here, too. And he’s only played basketball for four years! He’s wearing all off-white, including the tie. And he probably won’t be back in the U.S. to play anytime soon. Only two more first rounders, thank God. Miami and the Knicks. This round seriously takes forever—can we cut the time between picks to four minutes?

10:20 – Mike Tirico annoys Sonic coach Nate McMillan. Big ups to Nate for brushing off the coaching/contractual questions. Just for that, I hope the Sonics re-up him.

10:23 – Miami takes Wayne Simien, who should definitely like playing with Shaq. And yep, Vitale is effervescent. Gotta love them seniors. Knicks are on the clock, and the crowd is on edge.

10:28 – The natives are restless. And the Knicks take David Lee, and the boos start. I don’t know—Lee seems like a good sort. Athletic, can shoot, got some size. He should be able to play the three, too—even though he’s taller than all their power forwards. Here endeth the first round.