Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Draft Mockery (2)

7:31 – More Lenny Kravitz. Maybe the NBA would feel better about 18-year olds if they actually recognized one or two of the songs they listen to. I guess it’s technically ESPN’s fault, but still.

7:32 – Heeeeeerre’s DAVID! Still have no idea what happens in that back room. Guess I’m not a true NBA fan since I’m not at the Draft. And wait—this STARTS the clock for Milwaukee? Haven’t they had a MONTH? Anything to stretch out the broadcast, I guess. Previous Bucks No. 1 picks—Lew Alcindor, Kent Benson, Glenn Robinson. And they don’t have a coach. Other than that, they’re in great shape.

7:36 – With the first pick of the 2005 NBA Draft, the Milwaukee Bucks select Andrew Bogut, from Australia and the University of Utah. What a surprise. Still can’t remember who the last center picked at No. 1 to be an absolute success was. Yao Ming, I guess, although even he’s underachieved somewhat. It’s not like anyone without LeaguePass is going to see a single Bucks game next year anyway.

7:38 – The Hawks are on the clock. Ha ha. Guess they should take Marv, although then they’d need to trade some peoples. Also, they should let Bogut’s dad handle the second rounders. He sounds way cooler than Russ Granik. And now, for some overanalysis and explanation. I’ll be shocked if I can handle the entire Draft on TV.

7:42 – The Hawks take Marvin. For his sake, I hope they trade him. He’s too old to be part of a Hawks rebuilding process. (Good camera work on Roy Williams, peoples.) I just wish ol’ Roy repeated what he said to Bonnie Bernstein. Bilas – “Marvin Williams is the real deal and the complete package.” Hawks PR peoples, take note. “He’s been well-coached to this point, and he’ll be well-coached in the future.” Followed by a ringing endorsement of Mike Woodson! Holla!

7:45 – Um, Mr. Vitale, I don’t think you take Chris Paul 2nd. Maybe you trade for him and get even more. Wait, Marvin’s favorite TV show is “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air”? Come on, Marv. And Atlanta hasn’t drafted an All-Star in 20-plus years? Yeesh. Good luck.

7:47 – The Jazz take Deron Williams. Stephen A. went on that they had to take Chris Paul because he’s “spectacular,” but hey—John Stockton wasn’t exactly spectacular, and he worked out just fine. Deron’s a beast, and he’ll be great with Andrei Kirilenko and co. Probably set some mean screens, too. Jerry Sloan should be happy, even if Stephen A. isn’t.

7:52 – Good God. Video games are getting completely out of control. If they want to make the NBA games any more official they’ll need to combine one of them with Grand Theft Auto and that Dub game.

7:53 – The New Orleans Hornets select Chris Paul. Makes sense I guess, after they traded Baron. Gee, too bad they’re still not in Charlotte. I still can’t wait for the first high schooler to go so we can get the requisite “stay in school” histrionics from Vitale and Bilas. “He will be the Mayor of New Orleans, trust me.” Um, Dick, NO one even GOES to NBA games in New Orleans.

7:55 – Who has to switch the lettering on the “NOW PLAYING” sign?

7:57 – Charlotte on the clock. Raymond Felton maybe? They DO need a point guard. Yep, they do. Kind of crazy that he goes before Sean May on some level, and this probably already blows up a few mock drafts. At least I hope it does. Where the international cats at, C. Fizzle?

8:00 – For once, I agree wholeheartedly with Stephen A. Smith. I’m waiting for the apocalypse, which should be arriving shortly.

8:01 – Raymond Felton writes poetry in his spare time. Good to know. At the table with Stu Scott, he reads from “Leaves of Clichés.” The Blazers are on the clock—who’s out there that’s done time?

8:06 – High school! The Blazers take Martell Webster, a local to the Pacific Northwest (Seattle). Another one that makes a mockery of mocks. And I believe he’s the first to be wearing a suit with hidden buttons. Go, Martell! With him, Bassy and Outlaw, they should be good for a while. Maybe. Although it might take them a while to get there. And Jay Bilas is COMPLIMENTARY? Wow.

8:08 – I agree with Stephen A. again. I need an Advil. Or a beer. Toronto’s on the clock. Jeez. What DON’T they need? And there we go, Vitale pushing strength and maturity of a college kid. Like the Blazers aren’t going to have a coach all season? Like you’re all that much mature at 20 than you are at 18? And oh my, WHAT is his grandmother wearing on her head? And John Nash looks like he hasn’t slept since 1978.

8:09 – The Raptors take Charlie Villanueva! Well, this makes it somewhat interesting for the Knicks—there are guys on the board they probably haven’t considered. Like Sean May, the ultimate undersized power forward. Danny Granger, too. Maybe Gerald Green? Anyway, this pick basically solidifies the fact that Toronto has no idea what they’re doing—and the entire ESPN crew jumps on it. The Raptors are such a mess. It’s amazing to believe that Villanueva went this high.

8:18 – The Knicks (to lots of yelling) take Channing Frye. Mixed reaction from the crowd. You kind of have to wonder, did they even work out guys like Granger and Green? Frye’s a skinny dude, 6-11—okay, 6-10.5—and is he strong enough to man the middle in New York? Arizona guards have been great, but the centers? Don’t be another Loren Woods, kid. The Warriors are on the clock, and they need some post work as well. Sean May would be kind of dope here.

8:25 – The Warriors take Ike Diogu—who wasn’t even invited! Way to go, NBA. He’ll work in Golden State. Still hard to believe some of the guys who haven’t been picked, and the Lakers (up next) are supposedly into Green. More importantly though, dinner just showed up. Big up, Live Bait! (And shut up, Coach K!)

8:29 – Jim Gray is reporting from L.A.? No way! And it is weird to see the Lakers picking this high. And Andrew Bynum goes before Gerald Green! Not to mention Danny Granger. Vitale and Bilas are probably going to have coronaries, but they do need a center since they traded what’s his name. And he’s the youngest player ever picked? I’m really not all that sure how much I get this one if the Lakers want to be back in the playoffs next year. You get the feeling that they sent Phil Jackson back to Montana for the Draft so he wouldn’t kill someone. Hope you like the money, Phil.

8:36 – Orlando on the clock, with Gerald Green already compared to a young Tracy McGrady. Does that make them take him or not? (Hold on.) Apparently not. Fran Vasquez becomes the first non-NCAA international selection. Skinny 6-10 dude. And obviously some people who expected to be in the Lottery aren’t going to be. Couldn’t tell you naything about Fran Vasquez—and it’s hard to believe anyone else can say much either, seeing that he played by international rules against international players. He apparently doesn’t speak much English, either, which is terrific. And his translator is a cross between Manolo from Scarface and one of the dudes from Star Trek. The Clippers are on the clock.

8:44 – The Clippers take Yaroslav Korolev. What a country! I’m not sure how to react to this. Does he help the Clippers? Can anyone really help the Clippers? I do love Russian highlights, though. Bobcats are on the clock again. And Dick Vitale is quickly establishing Sean May as this year’s Jameer Nelson. He’s even supporting Gerald Green!

8:49 – The Bobcats take Sean May. Killer. Gotta love him and Felton winding up on the same team with Okafor. This is the route that worked for the Bulls—picking high-profile players from high-profile college teams. I think May’s going to be terrific, and this is a great spot for him. The Timberwolves are on the clock, last team in the Lottery, with a couple high-lottery-level guys available. I’m guessing Granger.

8:55 – And the Wolves take McCants! All Carolina guys in the Lottery. Not bad—and good-bye, Spree.


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