Draft Mockery (1)

So, it's going to start soon. I've got multiple windows open in Safari--this space, ESPN.com and NBA.com. The Bucks are technically on the clock, I guess, so sooner or later we'll find out whether they take Andrew Bogut or Marvin Williams. Then the Hawks can draft some guy no one’s ever heard of—or at least be sure that the blue-chip prospect they do take falls off faster than WorldCom.

It’s hard to believe this will be the last draft with high schoolers for a while. Considering that many of the best players in the League today skipped college, what’s the problem? And don’t even bring up Korleone Young and Kwame Brown or whoever. First off, you don’t need to become an All-Star to be a success. Money isn’t everything, sure, but first-round guaranteed NBA money is nothing to scoff at, even if it’s the only contract you ever sign. And kids fail sometimes? Of course! The NBA is hard. And the draft is a crapshoot. There’s no guarantee that everyone makes it. People with years of college under their belt are busts, too. And just because they went to college doesn’t mean they got an education (what’s Cincinnati’s graduation rate again?). Anyways, Gerald and co., enjoy the moment.

I’d make predictions, but the hell with it. I can’t even figure who the Bucks are gonna take, let alone the Knicks (Channing Frye).

I will say this—the Draft moving from TNT to ESPN is the worst thing ever. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING beat Charles Barkley at the Draft. Guarantee I hit the “mute” button at least once tonight.

7:00 – The NBA Draft preview show! So, we’ll see highlights of players that we’ll see even more highlights of when they get picked. The brief glimpse accorded doesn’t show any properly horrendous suits, but it DOES feature Lenny Kravitz’s timeless “Are You Gonna Go My Way?” And Luke Schenscher! Aw hell, all the suits are beige, taupe, charcoal—damn subtle earth tones. At least one person should HAVE to wear something bright every year.

7:03 – Jay Bilas speaks for the first time. Predicts Bogut No. 1. I’ve pretty much always not been able to stand Bilas, but have hated him more than ever since he dogged Josh Smith last year as he left the podium.

7:05 – Andy Katz says the Bucks will draft Bogut. I really, really hope they take Marvin. I assume they won’t, though. Bilas predicts him as a 10-year-plus All-Star player. God, I hope he sucks. Nothing against Bogut, Australia or Rick Majerus. I’m not saying he’ll be Todd Fuller or anything, but will he be David Robinson or Patrick Ewing?

7:07 – Stephen A! You’re why I’ll be going to mute soon enough, pal.

7:09 – Mark Jones with Andrew Bogut BEFORE the pick! Pre-analysis, anyone? And yeah, nice hair, Andy. Good accent, though.

7:10 – Bucher! They’ve got all the reporters out today.

7:14 – Stephen A. Smith needs a volume control…

7:15 – …and Chris Paul needs to unbutton his suit jacket.

7:15 – Stuart Scott with Deron Williams! He should be wearing a sleeveless suit to show off his tats. “Some of your critics said you’re unathletic.” Uh-huh, and I’m sure his critics could have run the point in the national championship game.

7:17 – It’s candid Raymond Felton! With all three of his Carolina green room teammates! And there hasn’t even been a pick yet! This Draft is WAY overcovered. Already. And I’ve been to the last couple of them—this one just seems worse. Maybe because I’m not there.

7:19 – Please, please, PLEASE, someone stop the Coach K. commercials. Didn’t the Pistons lose this year anyway? THEY’RE NOT CHAMPIONS ANYMORE.