Wednesday, October 12, 2005

ALCS Game 1, Part 1

Oh, what the hell. I'm watching this thing for whatever reason. I might as well keep some sort of a running diary. As always, apologies to Bill Simmons. Seeing that I don't really care about the Angels, the White Sox OR baseball in general, this has the potential to get REALLY far off track. Well, we can hope. Anyways, I'm better off watching this than "The Day After Tomorrow" again.

P.S. I'm so happy the Yankees lost. Ha ha. Don't tell anyone. Also, just a thought: if Bernie Williams had been playing centerfield, he probably wouldn't have been fast enough to get to right and collide with Gary Sheffield, and Sheff might have caught that ball, and the Yankees might have won. Again, ha ha.

Feeling the White Sox's sleeveless pinstriped jerseys (with black shirts underneath). Also, I absolutely love the black Sox hat (does Dr. Dre get royalties?), but I absolutely hate the fact that it made damn near every other team adopt a black alternate uniform. Black Mets hats? Ugh. That said, given the popularity of black hats, is anyone out there rocking umpirehats? That would be gangsta.

Scooter the animated baseball sucks.

Why do all the Angels's helmets look like they spent too much time in a Betty Crocker E-Z Bake Oven? Stupid pine tar.

Baseball announcers have WAY too much time between pitches and hitters and the like to pontificate on anything and everything. An alternate audio track that just contained the real sounds of the stadium would be quite welcome. And why the heck are there three people in the booth anyway? How much analysis do we really need?

Fox Sports graphics are unspeakably awful. The sound effects are even worse. What ever happened to less is more?

Vladimir Guerrero's hair is rad, but I still don't believe he shattered the moon. And A-Rod shouldn't be allowed to be seen hitting in the post-season, even in commercials.

Paul Byrd looks a lot like Beecher from Oz when he was at his most ragged.

Not sure which is creepier, the Burger King or those heart-attack inducing breakfast sandwiches he's pushing. Mmmm, a thousand-calorie breakfast sandwich with almost all of it coming from pork fat. Where do I sign up?

The opposition is 28 for 30 in stolen bases against Jose Contreras? How is that even possible? Does he have a habit of catching the ball on its way back up the middle or something?

Chone Figgins is possibly the best name in professional sports. Top 10 for sure. The fact that he can basically play any position is a bonus.

Have I mentioned how bad the sound effects are? I know it would put someone out of work to lose them, but it would also make the telecast a lot more enjoyable. It's a baseball game, not Top Gun.

Correction: Paul Byrd looks like Beecher after he spent a month in solitary. No-hitter through 2, though. Woo-hoo!!

Running into the second baseman/shortstop to break up a double-play must be the most fun thing to do in baseball.

Garrett Anderson has a clean helmet? What's wrong with him?

I'd like to petition that the Knicks be herefore known as the Manhattan Knicks of New York.

Pete Coors is a creepy bastard. Also, how can a beer taste "cold"? Is that what he said?

Love when the stupid montage of jittery clips makes them miss the first pitch of an inning.

"Paul Byrd is like a crafty lefthander who's just right handed." Excuse me? What the hell does that mean? Actually, it means that his next pitch gets rocked out of the park by some mulleted White Sock. Maybe he SHOULD try throwing with his left. P.S. So much for the no-hitter.

Ever since that inane statement, Byrd is getting killed. Home run, hard drive straight to Anderson, base hit up the middle.

Wait, Tim Raines is the Sox first base coach? Awesome. Byrd gives up another rip. Jermaine Dye coming up. He might not last the inning at this rate. Too bad Bartolo Colon is already out for the series with strained fat.

OK, he lasted the inning. And thank God it's over, because the platitudes were getting dangerous.

Commercials during sporting events are so predictable it's nauseating. Not a male between 18 and 35? Sorry! By the end of this game I'll be praying for a tampon commercial. And I won't get it.

Apparently Lou Piniella is in charge of obviousness tonight. "When I look for catchers, I look for ones that win baseball games." Good theory, Lou. When I look for apples, I look for ones that aren't rotten and full of worms. We should hang out.

Coors, Applebees, State Farm, Land Rover, Midas, Citibank, "Prison Break." Put 'em all together and what do you got? A suburb I don't want to live in!

Someone really needs to point out that, hectic travel schedule or not, apparently Paul Byrd hasn't slept since October of '95.

Interviewing managers in mid-game is really, really stupid. The next time one says something insightful will be the first. And they cut away from the actual game to show this stuff?

Now batting, Carl Everett, who still doesn't believe in dinosaurs. And Tim McCarver just called the White Sox—the only team in the majors that ever wore SHORTS as part of their uniform—staid. Why, because they're white?

The Angels dugout jackets are really nice. Surprised they haven't mentioned where to get them yet.

"One of the secrets for Paul Byrd today is that he hasn't given up a walk yet"? What? Walks are a secret? And he's also given up a home run and a couple of smash hits (and two runs). All in all, walks would have been better, don't you think? Guys are making SERIOUS contact, here. And for the record, Carl Everett may not believe in dinosaurs, but he sort of runs like one.

"In fact, Yazstremski was one of the best hitters I ever saw in baseball." Don't mean to keep picking on you, Lou, but did you really need to add "in baseball"? We probably would have figured it out.


Gonna not press my luck here and start a part II.

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