Status Updates

Sometimes taking game notes can be tedious. Trust me, I know. I've been going to Knicks games for over 10 years now. I'm not sure what their record is in that time, but suffice it to say it's not good.

That said, I wouldn't still be doing it if I didn't enjoy it. And part of the enjoyment comes with finding ways to keep it fresh. So when it suddenly hit me last night to record the Knicks/Celtics game as a stream-of-consciousness Facebook page of status updates, friend requests and group joinings, I was overjoyed. (Jake Appleman and Howard Beck get assists.) Jake joined in for the usual official Appleson collabo which you can read over at SLAMonline whenever it gets posted. But since that's been sliced and diced, I figured I'd present my unedited unexpurgated uncensored and unhinged version for you here. I spent the whole damn game furiously typing into my Sidekick, cackling maniacally and showing Jake far too many lines as they came out (sorry, Jake). There are no score updates (the Knicks won), and hardly any notations of time. It can be repetitious, it's long as hell, and there are some clunkers, but hey, nobody's perfect.

CONFESSION: Some of these were written when I got home, and others on the train, so it's not entirely stream-of-consciousness. Also, I've added some explanations in italics.

Oh yeah, I just signed up for Facebook last week. Go me.



PREGAME

TIM THOMAS just hit 11 straight threes (The Knicks must have read my notes from the previous game, because a whole mess of them were warming up. At one point we glanced over, and Tim was languidly shooting threes from the left elbow—and he couldn't miss. Jake and I counted 11 straight, but it may have even been more. He only hit the the rim two or three times in all, and wasn't even jumping. Then he moved to the corner and clanked six or seven straight.)

PENNY MARSHALL is wondering what she can get signed (I've seen Penny Marshall at a lot of games—primarily All-Star and the Finals—since I started doing this, and she is a shameless memorabilia hound. She'd take the shoes off your feet. More on this later.)

RAJON RONDO wants to know the score of the Kentucky/Louisville game

KEVIN GARNETT isn't talking to you (Since the beginning of time—or at least since Michael Jordan—it's been something of a tradition for star players to not speak during the pregame media time. KG takes this to extremes by more or less not talking AT ALL. I've known him for over 10 years now, and when he came in, he just offered a fist bump and sort of patted me on the shoulder. No words.)

SAM CASSELL still has big balls. (Self-explanatory.)

BRIAN SCALABRINE is working on lateral quickness. Or doing the electric slide. (Seriously. I have no idea what he's doing.)

FIRST QUARTER

NATE ROBINSON is open

EDDIE HOUSE is open (You'll note some recurring themes.)

KEVIN GARNETT is diving for loose balls at zero-zero (Seriously. He's insane.)

EDDIE HOUSE is wondering what Doc Rivers is thinking

DOC RIVERS is thinking that Eddie House shouldn't be in

QUENTIN RICHARDSON wants to take this outside (Q has had some combative things to say about the Celtics...)

KENDRICK PERKINS is trying not to laugh

BRIAN SCALABRINE is on a beach, earning 20 percent (Word to Hans Gruber.)

STEPHON MARBURY thinks he looks good in green

HAYWOODE WORKMAN thinks he could back up Chris Duhon (Haywoode Workman is correct.)

RAY ALLEN is cooler than you

JEROME JAMES wants a hot dog.

EDDY CURRY wants one, too.

WILSON CHANDLER is thinking of his next tattoo.

JARED JEFFRIES is wondering what kind of glue he is.

Q TIP is friends with ALI SHAHEED MUHAMMAD and PHIFE DAWG (Q-Tip does the new Knicks song, 10 years too late. Maybe 20.)

EDDIE HOUSE es su casa (also, he's open) (Eddie House is also not in the game. Hey, it was funny to me.)

DOC RIVERS is wondering why he didn't wear the blue suit

JON STEWART is glad he didn't invite that Colbert fucker (Jake toned this down in the for-SLAM version. What can I say, I'm a profane motherfucker.)

Q RICH is hitting his head with only one fist to be different

KENDRICK PERKINS is friends with LUC LONGLEY and FRANCISCO ELSON

RAJON RONDO is friends with KENNY ANDERSON and ROD STRICKLAND

ANTHONY ROBERSON has joined the group “NO, REALLY, I’M IN THE NBA”

PAUL PIERCE thinks little of your defense

DAVID LEE wonders what's in his lunch pail today

KEVIN GARNETT would like you to get that shit out of here (Chris Duhon's shot got blocked so bad it broke gravity.)

RAJON RONDO likes to shoot sometimes, too

EDDIE HOUSE es open

KEVIN GARNETT is talking to HIMSELF not you, OK?????????

HAYWOODE WORKMAN thinks he knows the rules by now, thanks (Doc Rivers was complaining about something or other.)

KENDRICK PERKINS would appreciate the ball movement to move in his direction sometimes

CHRIS DUHON has a three for you

KEVIN GARNETT is friends with BILL RUSSELL

DAVID LEE appreciates your going for his pump fake

RAY ALLEN makes polished glass look rough

MIKE D'ANTONI wishes he got the number-one pick

AL HARRINGTON has joined the group “WHY AREN’T I STARTING?????”

QUENTIN RICHARDSON is friends with DARIUS MILES

GLEN DAVIS wonders what Nate Robinson would taste like

DANILO GALLINARI is still occasionally transfixed by the scoreboard

SPIKE LEE wishes Reggie were here

AL HARRINGTON is wondering why he sat on the bench for so goddamn long

AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting (You'll note another recurring theme.)

EDDIE HOUSE is open

JARED JEFFRIES is unsure why anyone passes him the ball more than a foot from the basket

WILSON CHANDLER don't need no 24-second clock

TIM THOMAS wants to know what the score is

NATE ROBINSON is wondering why he sat on the bench for so long (I considered changing Nate's username to "NATE THE 5-9," until I realized I'd need to come up with clever names for everybody. Not at 1 a.m. I wouldn't. Goodbye to that idea.)

AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting

PAUL PIERCE is wondering what's happening later tonight

AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting

KEVIN GARNETT is steaming

EDDIE HOUSE is in the game!!!!!!!!!!!

EDDIE HOUSE is open

EDDIE HOUSE IS OPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (The thing is, I could totally see Eddie House doing this, despite the fact that he shows up to games in three-piece suits and seems completely sane off the court.)

DOC RIVERS is worried about dinner reservations

DAVID LEE so did not travel

EDDIE HOUSE thinks "shoot first" is a malaprop since nothing ever comes second (I had to play with this one until it sounded right. Is 'malaprop' even correct?)

EDDIE HOUSE is OPEN. ARE YOU ALL BLIND????

AL HARRINGTON totally meant to shoot that

RAY ALLEN has seven points and you didn't even know it, did you?

AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting

EDDIE HOUSE IS OPEN AGAIN MY GOD WHY DON'T THEY SEE ME?

PAUL PIERCE is thinking about window treatments

RAY ALLEN would rather not have Big Baby fall on him again (Big Baby did indeed fall on him.)

PAUL PIERCE thinks Q flopped (PP brushed by Q, who staggered back like he'd been shot. No call.)

CLYDE FRAZIER is wondering why nothing rhymes with "orange"

COURTNEY GALIANO kind of wishes she stuck with astrophysics (A former Knicks City Dancer who was on one of those dance TV shows, Courtney came out with a partner and did a rhumba or a samba or some kind of -ba.)

EDDIE HOUSE is open. WIDE OPEN.

JEROME JAMES is kind of tired. And hungry. Mostly hungry.
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JARED JEFFRIES will not shoot under any circumstances so don't even think about it

EDDIE HOUSE is so open you don't even know it

TONY ALLEN has joined the group “VFDVSDASDC BCDCVERGE CDCVD!!!!!” (This was a late-night addition that I was totally, unreasonably psyched about. Tony Allen is crazy.)

AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting

BIG BABY will screen you like you've never been screened before

PAUL PIERCE scoffs at your so-called defense

AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting

LEON POWE wishes he could play with his ring on

EDDIE HOUSE says it's about goddamn time

EDDIE HOUSE is open and ON FIRE. PASS IT TO ME ALREADY

EDDIE HOUSE will do it all himself if he has to

EDDIE HOUSE has joined the group “WORLD B. FREE PASSED TOO MUCH” (Another late-night 'Eureka!' moment.)

DOC RIVERS isn't sure whether you guys remember what 'ubuntu' means

KEVIN GARNETT fuck yeah fucking motherfuckers fucking fuck. FUCK.

KEVIN GARNETT has joined the group “WHATCHALL KNOW ABOUT THE DIRTY SOUTH?”

TAYE DIGGS is dead sexy

EDDIE HOUSE is more open than he's been ALL DAMN DAY AND YOU DON'T EVEN SEE HIM

TONY ALLEN isn't sure what planet he's from, but it's really, really cool.

KEVIN GARNETT ain't trying to pick up that third foul

JEROME JAMES wants you in his belly

AL HARRINGTON is fucking passing

AL HARRINGTON has had enough of that

NATE ROBINSON can beat Mike Tyson (Word to Will Smith.)

AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting

TONY ALLEN wants a pink Maybach. And some chicken fingers. And a pony.

AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting

EDDIE HOUSE is so so so open

TONY ALLEN likes Lucky Charms

EDDIE HOUSE wonders why you have to follow your shots when they all go in anyway

JEROME JAMES is wondering whether Big Baby would like to split a cow (I think this is the one that caused Jake to go into a mini-seizure.)

KENDRICK PERKINS doesn't know why y'all motherfuckers even bother (I enjoyed pretending to be KP a bit too much, I think.)

JARED JEFFRIES would like someone to come to the ball, please

RAJON RONDO is friends with ASHLEY JUDD and SAUL SMITH

KEVIN GARNETT has joined the group “LEBRON DIDN'T INVENT TALC” (Michael Jordan is the founding member of this group.)

RAY ALLEN appreciates the attention but thinks nothing of your defense

JARED JEFFRIES is considering faking a seizure to get out of shooting free throws (I laughed out loud myself at this one. Shameless.)

SAM CASSELL is taking a nap

WILSON CHANDLER thinks that was a foul

BRIAN SCALABRINE thinks you should be excited

CHRIS DUHON is now friends with JASON WILLIAMS, KIRK HINRICH and COACH K

TIM THOMAS is now friends with CHRIS WASHBURN

MALIK ROSE is wondering why he can't telecommute (I laughed at this one, too.)

MIKE D'ANTONI wonders whether anyone suspects the mustache is fake

EDDIE HOUSE is so open still, just in case you forgot

WILSON CHANDLER actually hated "Cast Away" (The in-arena DJ or whoever plays the "Wilson? WILSON!" snippet whenever WC scores.)

PAUL PIERCE isn't even paying attention to the score

RAJON RONDO is on you

QUENTIN RICHARDSON feels a lot better, thanks

EDDIE HOUSE has joined the group “EDDIE HOUSE IS FUCKING OPEN!!!!!!!!!!!” (Well, he is.)

KEVIN GARNETT is thinking about shooting this free throw with his eyes closed

WILSON CHANDLER doesn't get why the Knicks need LeBron

NATE ROBINSON is so fucking shooting

CHRIS DUHON just wants you to think he's shooting

KENDRICK PERKINS doesn't know what the fuss is about, y'all are 4-30 or some shit

QUENTIN RICHARDSON wonders whether you want to take it outside

WHOOPI GOLDBERG thinks "Eddie" was pretty accurate

BRIAN SCALABRINE is in the game!!!!!!!!

NATE ROBINSON and AL HARRINGTON have joined the group “SHOOT FIRST, ASK QUESTIONS LAST”

KEVIN GARNETT never said you could bring that shit back in here motherfucker

EDDIE HOUSE is so open he can't stand it

HALFTIME

TONY ALLEN is worried he forgot to TiVo "America's Biggest Coalmining Disasters." (Tried a couple show titles—I think the first was "America's Biggest Dogs." This is better, I think.)

EDDIE HOUSE is open open open open OPEN

JEROME JAMES wonders why it has to be Gatorade all the time. Why not milkshakes or creamed corn or pulled pork? (I added "pulled pork" when I got home.)

MIKE D'ANTONI is friends with STEVE NASH, DANILO GALLINARI'S DAD and KOBE BRYANT

JARED JEFFRIES can't believe he made that shot either

AL HARRINGTON is so fucking shooting the first chance he gets

KEVIN GARNETT does not allow layups

RAY ALLEN is friends with REGGIE MILLER and STEPHEN CURRY

QUENTIN RICHARDSON has joined the group “YOU’RE LUCKY THIS ISN’T THE STREET”

KENDRICK PERKINS is pretty sure this isn't the Finals

QUENTIN RICHARDSON really wants to switch off of KG

PAUL PIERCE missed that one on purpose

QUENTIN RICHARDSON thinks Kendrick Perkins wouldn't say that on the streets

WILSON CHANDLER wishes he saved some room on his neck

RAY ALLEN would like you to know that he is not left-handed (Word to Inigo Montoya.)

RAJON RONDO just faked you the fuck out

KEVIN GARNETT is wondering, since impossible is nothing, what is impossible really?

TIM THOMAS wants to be woken up by the end of the third

PAUL PIERCE thinks they should make his shoes in adult sizes (They don't, which is somewhat remarkable.)

EDDIE HOUSE is so open it hurts

BRIAN SCALABRINE wants to know what kind of puppy to get (Perhaps a Shih-Tzu?)

TONY ALLEN is pretty sure he left the shower running

AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting

EDDIE HOUSE is friends with DAMON JONES

HAMMER says stop. Hammertime

TOMMY HEINSOHN is wondering why Walter McCarty never plays anymore

BOB COUSY thinks this team needs to win like, eight more banners before they can talk

PENNY MARSHALL is dying for a fucking cigarette wrapped in a nicotine patch

EDDIE HOUSE is sooooooo open

RAY ALLEN needs some recalibrations

CHRIS DUHON wonders whether he'll ever have a goddamn backup

ALLAN HOUSTON wants to be activated

BRIAN SCALABRINE has to go back to the locker room real quick, tell me what happens

AL HARRINGTON is so fucking shooting AND he has 25, what

KENDRICK PERKINS is pretty sure only one team out here is the defending champs and it's not you

EDDIE HOUSE is more open than he's ever been in his whole life

ANTHONY ROBERSON wants to know whether he got cut and nobody told him

MALIK ROSE has joined the group I WENT TO WILT CHAMBERLAIN'S HIGH SCHOOL AND PLAYED WITH TIM DUNCAN AND THIS IS WHAT I GET?

EDDY CURRY is friends with EMERIL, CHEF BOYARDEE and CAP'N CRUNCH (Yeah, yeah, it's cruel and predictable. I'm no Ralph Wiley.)

EDDIE HOUSE is so open it makes his brain hurt

KEVIN GARNETT voted for Yi

NATE ROBINSON just ate an entire bag of Gummi Worms

AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting

Q RICH is wondering how he only has two points

AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting

EDDIE HOUSE wonders why no one ever passes him the ball

NATE ROBINSON wants you to guard him

GREG DREILING thinks he was born 20 years too soon

CHRIS FORD knows he would have won a goddamn title too if he had KG and Paul Pierce and Ray Allen (Chris Ford is a scout, and in attendance.)

ROBERT WERDANN is friends with BILL WENNINGTON (Ditto Robert Werdann. And Greg Dreiling, for that matter.)

AL HARRINGTON has joined the group "EAT IT, NELLIE"

PAUL PIERCE doesn't care if you bring the triple team

EDDIE HOUSE hasn't been this open since 2001

DAVID LEE will take rebounds any way he can

LEON POWE will dunk on you

AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting even if he has to fall back 25 feet to do it

TONY ALLEN needs to return some videotapes (Word to Patrick Bateman.)

EDDIE HOUSE shoots even when he doesn't have the ball

AL HARRINGTON has 30!!!

EDDIE HOUSE is open all the damn time

LEON POWE is outworking you right now, fools

TONY ALLEN is playing one on four on five on three right now. In case you were wondering, he's winning. (I love this one still.)

KEVIN GARNETT really wants to swat the shit out of that fucking t-shirt gun (Can't you see him doing this?)

DJ SOUL is happy he's not performing at the Mertelstein bas mitzvah (I think I told Jake this one out loud, not realizing until after the game that DJ Soul was situated RIGHT IN FRONT of the press seating. Whoops.)

EDDIE HOUSE is willing to take your free throws for you

TONY ALLEN is wondering where the damn garden is, and why the gym isn't square OR on Madison (This still isn't worded properly, but I liked the concept.)

BRIAN SCALABRINE thinks it would be polite if someone at least pretended to guard him (Uncontested corner threes all day.)

NATE ROBINSON just shot that

EDDIE HOUSE is opener than the openest thing there ever was

AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting

TONY ALLEN is wondering whether a quadruple-single is any good

PAUL PIERCE fell asleep a half-hour ago

AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting

GABE PRUITT is wondering whether the Knicks City Kids get dental

PENNY MARSHALL is wondering whether anyone would mind if she took one of the baskets

TIM THOMAS is distracted by shiny objects

JEROME JAMES wants to take that Big Mac / Whopper test over and over and over again until he gets it right

KEVIN GARNETT wonders where the fucking help is

PAUL PIERCE needs you to come to the damn ball

EDDIE HOUSE is still open

BRIAN SCALABRINE is wondering whether he could play in boat shoes

WILSON CHANDLER has got it goin' on

MIKE D'ANTONI is friends with DONNIE WALSH

JARED JEFFRIES has joined the group “MID-LEVEL UNEXCEPTIONAL”

PAUL PIERCE would like you to have your jock back

BRIAN SCALABRINE has joined the group “THROW IT DOWN, BIG MAN”

WILSON CHANDLER has recorded a career high 28 points!

EDDIE HOUSE wishes he could pass it to himself.

DAVID LEE thinks double-doubles are too easy

CHRIS DUHON thinks your alma mater sucks

RUSS BENGTSON thinks "win" montages from movies are cornier than a bag of Bugles (The Knicks only recently added this lame feature, including the tired Adrian/Rocky "Win!" scene. What's next, a mascot?)

RAY ALLEN is cooler than cool. Ice cold. (Word to Andre 3000.)

WILSON CHANDLER wishes this game was 45,671 minutes longer

RAY ALLEN is missing all of these shots on purpose

EDDIE HOUSE is oooooooopen

DOC RIVERS is emptying the bench

PATRICK O’BRYANT is friends with ACIE EARL

TONY ALLEN can see in infrared (Word to Geoff Tate.)

EDDIE HOUSE is so open he's closed

PATRICK O’BRYANT has joined the group "TRILLION" (You know what a trillion is, right?)

WILSON CHANDLER is on TV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EDDIE HOUSE is gonna stick around and take a couple million shots to cool down if anyone wants to rebound

POSTGAME

DONNIE WALSH wishes he never heard of Stephon Marbury.

RUSS BENGTSON thinks people getting press passes signed in the tunnel is BS, especially when they don't even know who the players are. (They were probably kids of the Boston owner or something. But getting your alleged press credential signed DIRECTLY OVER the portion that expressly forbids such activity and then saying "oh who's 21?" (it's Wilson Chandler, morons) is really sketchy. If I tried that—not that I would, mind you—I'd get banned forever.)

PENNY MARSHALL would smoke oak leaves rolled in a final box right now. (She's a fiend for nicotine, our Penny.)

ROBERT PARISH isn't walking through that door, and if even he was, he'd be high as a motherfucker

KEVIN GARNETT wants you dead

RUSS BENGTSON doesn't know what the holdup is (The locker rooms are supposed to open 15 minutes after the game. The Celtics take at least a half-hour. Then the Big Three is nowhere to be seen.)

RAJON RONDO mixes Gucci and Vuitton because he can (I forget what he had of each, but he had both for sure. Pretty much everyone in the L has either a Gucci or Vuitton toiletries bag, if not both. Yet guys always need to borrow each other's lotion. So you can buy a $400 bag, but not a $4 bottle of Lubriderm? It's a mystery.)

CLIFFORD RAY only knows one kind of posting up and it's not this kind

KEVIN GARNETT might have spontaneously combusted

KENDRICK PERKINS invites you to dry his ass (The NBA does not use NBA-sized towels. And when Perk comes out of the shower, his towel covers just enough to avoid an indecent exposure charge. And the way the water is beading on his prodigious posterior makes it look like he used caranuba wax instead of Dial. What can I say, my mind works in mysterious ways.)

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