NBA Saturday Night

Hm. The stuff before the actual events on TNT are kind of lame. "The Best Dunk Ever"? I feel like the Jason Richardson off the glass and through the legs is the best dunk ever, and it didn't even make it out of the first round! Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Skills comp is first, and it probably has the best cast of characters. Nash, LeBron, Dwyane? This should be fun.

Shaq can dress! Three-piece and a biscuit. And actually the other crap is first, with the legends and stuff. Dan Majerle! Magic Johnson! Can't wait!

Steve Nash still has Marilyn Quayle's hair. Oh yeah, shooting stars is first. Still gotta get them WNBA players up in here. WE DON'T CARE. And it's crazy that Magic is still doing this shit. Feels like he'd come back again if they'd let 'em. Wonder if Nike told Kobe to do it? And T-Mac? Star-studded, at least. Not paying attention to the first thang, though. Worst. Competition. Ever. One round? That was seriously terrible. And I still hate the WNBA. Skills next.

I'm pulling for Lebron in the skills challenge just because he's not a point guard. Reason enough for me. CP3 would be fine, too. And he's up first. Kenny's right—CP ain't fast enough. And his chest pass sucks. Dribbling is toooo sloooow. He ain't moving on. Trust me.

D. Wade is up next. Dunk e'rything! Reggie's right on the wack jumper, but he still wastes CP3. LeBron now. He ain't gettin' there. Too big to dribble fast. Beat CP3, but Nash'll be faster. Although he can't shoot. And thinks he can. Out. So it's Wade against Bron in the final. Which is also wack. This comp ain't the greatest. But Bron has a killer run in the final, and Wade's got a tough road.

But he hits EVERYTHING on his first try. And he probably deserved to win, but how is it only two rounds? Waaaaack. Still, big ups to D Wizzy. Good roll. And now we get to the real events.


I can't even pick a winner in the three-point shootout. Arenas? Q ain't gonna defend, and Ray-Ray takes too much time. F it, I'm going with Chauncey.

Gilbert missed his entire first rack, and ain't so good through a couple. 14 is all right, but he ain't goin' nowhere. And Jason Terry is slow, with only 13. You out, too.

Diiiiiirk. Long hair fo sho. Shoots all right, but gets 12. Charles Barkley is on fire with the commentary. None of these guys are winning, I don't think. But they count Dirk's moneyball even though it was obviously late! Ain't cool. Ray up now, and he's on. Kills it. 19 points, which ain't bad at all.

Now Chauncey. And he's out. Brickin' galore. Misses a lot of the money balls, and now it's Q. He's out, too. Misses last six. So it's Gilbert, Dirk and Ray A in the Final. Goin' with Dirk.

Gilbert's got 16 first, although this should be 20 for the win. And there aren't enough rounds like there used to be. Too many comps now. Dirk loads 18, and that's awesome, but it leaves the door WIDE open for Ray Allen. Who runs out of time. And Dirk wins. And this sucks. Come on, y'all, gotta have at least three rounds! Better work on this. But I got it right, right? Um, despite the fact that he shouldn't have even been in the final.

I'ma take Igloodala in the dunk contest.

But yeah, Andrea Bocelli first. Blind-ass cracka.

Four competitors in the dunk contest? Four? That's pathetic. PATHETIC. Kill the shooting comp! And Charles Barkley is the best. Period. Hakim Warrick is aiight with his first, but it's a long way from great. Iggy's much better. Windmill off the bounce, that's real. Nate's even realer, though, 3-6 off the bounce. With both hands. Mean, Now it's J Smoove, and he's got on the free-throw line with both hands. And that's the lowest score of the night? HATERS.

Hakim's got a nice beard, but that's it. Miss the first attempt? And that second wasn't nothin' anyway. Should be a wrap for HW. But we got too much weird shit with passes. Chill, AI Jr! Ai't you got enough of your own shit? Looked aiight, but too many attempts. Too complicated. Shit was cool, but it barely even made sense. On second thought, that's a winner. A serious 50.

Nate's was OK, but J Smoove is goin' to the Finals. Least he better be. 'Cept he can't, because Nate got enough points to make it impossible for Josh to get past him. Shit's fucked up. Nate and Igloo in the finals.

Nate up first, And he tries to go off the glass through the legs? If he hits that, it's OVER. And now it's too many tries. Gettin' bad. Cause it seems like he's tryin' something new. You lost, Nate. Good tries, though. And he does get through the legs, but it takes what, eight times? East Bay funk, what? CB remains realistic.

And AI off the bounce and behind the back? Silly. That ain't right. One last dunk—Nate better get real. The Spud jersey? Already done last year with J Smoove. Bangin' for sure, but to win? Tough call. AI's only gotta get 45 to win. But he better get the shit DOWN. Lots of misses, too. Sucks for real. Missing is bad news. And that ain't enough for me. But it's a tie! Which is better, actually. Let's see where it go.

And OK, there are WAY too many attempts allowed. What the fuck? Nate's turning into Birdman without the meth. How many times can you try? At this point, he's trying it often enough so Dre falls asleep, I think. I think the fans are falling asleep, too. As am I. Please get something? OK, he gets it, but a dozen-plus tries? And a 47? Come on. If that wins...that's bad. 14 tries? What the fuck?

AI up, and...let's see. Baseline through the legs, on the second try, and it's not enough to win? BULLSHIT. That's fucking terrible—they gave Nate that many tries? So, so, so, so bad. All-Star Saturday can fuck off.

And I'm out.