tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-128059942024-03-23T06:13:56.088-04:00Three For AllThoughts on the NBA and life from a media-type person who knows a thing or three about various things (but not nearly enough).Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger180125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12805994.post-9132288078087995462009-01-05T10:46:00.005-05:002009-01-05T11:51:55.378-05:00Status UpdatesSometimes taking game notes can be tedious. Trust me, I know. I've been going to Knicks games for over 10 years now. I'm not sure what their record is in that time, but suffice it to say it's not good.<br /><br />That said, I wouldn't still be doing it if I didn't enjoy it. And part of the enjoyment comes with finding ways to keep it fresh. So when it suddenly hit me last night to record the Knicks/Celtics game as a stream-of-consciousness Facebook page of status updates, friend requests and group joinings, I was overjoyed. (Jake Appleman and Howard Beck get assists.) Jake joined in for the usual official Appleson collabo which you can read over at SLAMonline whenever it gets posted. But since that's been sliced and diced, I figured I'd present my unedited unexpurgated uncensored and unhinged version for you here. I spent the whole damn game furiously typing into my Sidekick, cackling maniacally and showing Jake far too many lines as they came out (sorry, Jake). There are no score updates (the Knicks won), and hardly any notations of time. It can be repetitious, it's long as hell, and there are some clunkers, but hey, nobody's perfect.<br /><br />CONFESSION: Some of these were written when I got home, and others on the train, so it's not entirely stream-of-consciousness. Also, I've added some explanations in italics.<br /><br />Oh yeah, I just signed up for Facebook last week. Go me.<br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">PREGAME</span><br /><br />TIM THOMAS just hit 11 straight threes (<span style="font-style: italic;">The Knicks must have read my notes from the previous game, because a whole mess of them were warming up. At one point we glanced over, and Tim was languidly shooting threes from the left elbow—and he couldn't miss. Jake and I counted 11 straight, but it may have even been more. He only hit the the rim two or three times in all, and wasn't even jumping. Then he moved to the corner and clanked six or seven straight.</span>)<br /><br />PENNY MARSHALL is wondering what she can get signed (<span style="font-style: italic;">I've seen Penny Marshall at a lot of games—primarily All-Star and the Finals—since I started doing this, and she is a shameless memorabilia hound. She'd take the shoes off your feet. More on this later.</span>)<br /><br />RAJON RONDO wants to know the score of the Kentucky/Louisville game<br /><br />KEVIN GARNETT isn't talking to you (<span style="font-style: italic;">Since the beginning of time—or at least since Michael Jordan—it's been something of a tradition for star players to not speak during the pregame media time. KG takes this to extremes by more or less not talking AT ALL. I've known him for over 10 years now, and when he came in, he just offered a fist bump and sort of patted me on the shoulder. No words.</span>)<br /><br />SAM CASSELL still has big balls. (<span style="font-style: italic;">Self-explanatory.</span>)<br /><br />BRIAN SCALABRINE is working on lateral quickness. Or doing the electric slide. (<span style="font-style: italic;">Seriously. I have no idea what he's doing.</span>)<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">FIRST QUARTER </span><br /><br />NATE ROBINSON is open<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE is open (<span style="font-style: italic;">You'll note some recurring themes.</span>)<br /><br />KEVIN GARNETT is diving for loose balls at zero-zero (<span style="font-style: italic;">Seriously. He's insane.</span>)<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE is wondering what Doc Rivers is thinking<br /><br />DOC RIVERS is thinking that Eddie House shouldn't be in<br /><br />QUENTIN RICHARDSON wants to take this outside (<span style="font-style: italic;">Q has had some combative things to say about the Celtics...</span>)<br /><br />KENDRICK PERKINS is trying not to laugh<br /><br />BRIAN SCALABRINE is on a beach, earning 20 percent (<span style="font-style: italic;">Word to Hans Gruber.</span>)<br /><br />STEPHON MARBURY thinks he looks good in green<br /><br />HAYWOODE WORKMAN thinks he could back up Chris Duhon (<span style="font-style: italic;">Haywoode Workman is correct.</span>)<br /><br />RAY ALLEN is cooler than you<br /><br />JEROME JAMES wants a hot dog.<br /><br />EDDY CURRY wants one, too.<br /><br />WILSON CHANDLER is thinking of his next tattoo.<br /><br />JARED JEFFRIES is wondering what kind of glue he is.<br /><br />Q TIP is friends with ALI SHAHEED MUHAMMAD and PHIFE DAWG (<span style="font-style: italic;">Q-Tip does the new Knicks song, 10 years too late. Maybe 20.</span>)<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE es su casa (also, he's open) (<span style="font-style: italic;">Eddie House is also not in the game. Hey, it was funny to me.</span>)<br /><br />DOC RIVERS is wondering why he didn't wear the blue suit<br /><br />JON STEWART is glad he didn't invite that Colbert fucker (<span style="font-style: italic;">Jake toned this down in the for-</span>SLAM<span style="font-style: italic;"> version. What can I say, I'm a profane motherfucker.</span>)<br /><br />Q RICH is hitting his head with only one fist to be different<br /><br />KENDRICK PERKINS is friends with LUC LONGLEY and FRANCISCO ELSON<br /><br />RAJON RONDO is friends with KENNY ANDERSON and ROD STRICKLAND<br /><br />ANTHONY ROBERSON has joined the group “NO, REALLY, I’M IN THE NBA”<br /><br />PAUL PIERCE thinks little of your defense<br /><br />DAVID LEE wonders what's in his lunch pail today<br /><br />KEVIN GARNETT would like you to get that shit out of here (<span style="font-style: italic;">Chris Duhon's shot got blocked so bad it broke gravity.</span>)<br /><br />RAJON RONDO likes to shoot sometimes, too<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE es open<br /><br />KEVIN GARNETT is talking to HIMSELF not you, OK?????????<br /><br />HAYWOODE WORKMAN thinks he knows the rules by now, thanks (<span style="font-style: italic;">Doc Rivers was complaining about something or other.</span>)<br /><br />KENDRICK PERKINS would appreciate the ball movement to move in his direction sometimes<br /><br />CHRIS DUHON has a three for you<br /><br />KEVIN GARNETT is friends with BILL RUSSELL<br /><br />DAVID LEE appreciates your going for his pump fake<br /><br />RAY ALLEN makes polished glass look rough<br /><br />MIKE D'ANTONI wishes he got the number-one pick<br /><br />AL HARRINGTON has joined the group “WHY AREN’T I STARTING?????”<br /><br />QUENTIN RICHARDSON is friends with DARIUS MILES<br /><br />GLEN DAVIS wonders what Nate Robinson would taste like<br /><br />DANILO GALLINARI is still occasionally transfixed by the scoreboard<br /><br />SPIKE LEE wishes Reggie were here<br /><br />AL HARRINGTON is wondering why he sat on the bench for so goddamn long<br /><br />AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting (<span style="font-style: italic;">You'll note another recurring theme.</span>)<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE is open<br /><br />JARED JEFFRIES is unsure why anyone passes him the ball more than a foot from the basket<br /><br />WILSON CHANDLER don't need no 24-second clock<br /><br />TIM THOMAS wants to know what the score is<br /><br />NATE ROBINSON is wondering why he sat on the bench for so long (<span style="font-style: italic;">I considered changing Nate's username to "NATE THE 5-9," until I realized I'd need to come up with clever names for everybody. Not at 1 a.m. I wouldn't. Goodbye to that idea.</span>)<br /><br />AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting<br /><br />PAUL PIERCE is wondering what's happening later tonight<br /><br />AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting<br /><br />KEVIN GARNETT is steaming<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE is in the game!!!!!!!!!!!<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE is open<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE IS OPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (<span style="font-style: italic;">The thing is, I could totally see Eddie House doing this, despite the fact that he shows up to games in three-piece suits and seems completely sane off the court.</span>)<br /><br />DOC RIVERS is worried about dinner reservations<br /><br />DAVID LEE so did not travel<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE thinks "shoot first" is a malaprop since nothing ever comes second (<span style="font-style: italic;">I had to play with this one until it sounded right. Is 'malaprop' even correct?</span>)<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE is OPEN. ARE YOU ALL BLIND????<br /><br />AL HARRINGTON totally meant to shoot that<br /><br />RAY ALLEN has seven points and you didn't even know it, did you?<br /><br />AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE IS OPEN AGAIN MY GOD WHY DON'T THEY SEE ME?<br /><br />PAUL PIERCE is thinking about window treatments<br /><br />RAY ALLEN would rather not have Big Baby fall on him again (<span style="font-style: italic;">Big Baby did indeed fall on him.</span>)<br /><br />PAUL PIERCE thinks Q flopped (<span style="font-style: italic;">PP brushed by Q, who staggered back like he'd been shot. No call.</span>)<br /><br />CLYDE FRAZIER is wondering why nothing rhymes with "orange"<br /><br />COURTNEY GALIANO kind of wishes she stuck with astrophysics (<span style="font-style: italic;">A former Knicks City Dancer who was on one of those dance TV shows, Courtney came out with a partner and did a rhumba or a samba or some kind of -ba.</span>)<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE is open. WIDE OPEN.<br /><br />JEROME JAMES is kind of tired. And hungry. Mostly hungry.<br />s<br />JARED JEFFRIES will not shoot under any circumstances so don't even think about it<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE is so open you don't even know it<br /><br />TONY ALLEN has joined the group “VFDVSDASDC BCDCVERGE CDCVD!!!!!” (<span style="font-style: italic;">This was a late-night addition that I was totally, unreasonably psyched about. Tony Allen is crazy.</span>)<br /><br />AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting<br /><br />BIG BABY will screen you like you've never been screened before<br /><br />PAUL PIERCE scoffs at your so-called defense<br /><br />AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting<br /><br />LEON POWE wishes he could play with his ring on<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE says it's about goddamn time<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE is open and ON FIRE. PASS IT TO ME ALREADY<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE will do it all himself if he has to<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE has joined the group “WORLD B. FREE PASSED TOO MUCH” (<span style="font-style: italic;">Another late-night 'Eureka!' moment.</span>)<br /><br />DOC RIVERS isn't sure whether you guys remember what 'ubuntu' means<br /><br />KEVIN GARNETT fuck yeah fucking motherfuckers fucking fuck. FUCK.<br /><br />KEVIN GARNETT has joined the group “WHATCHALL KNOW ABOUT THE DIRTY SOUTH?”<br /><br />TAYE DIGGS is dead sexy<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE is more open than he's been ALL DAMN DAY AND YOU DON'T EVEN SEE HIM<br /><br />TONY ALLEN isn't sure what planet he's from, but it's really, really cool.<br /><br />KEVIN GARNETT ain't trying to pick up that third foul<br /><br />JEROME JAMES wants you in his belly<br /><br />AL HARRINGTON is fucking passing<br /><br />AL HARRINGTON has had enough of that<br /><br />NATE ROBINSON can beat Mike Tyson (<span style="font-style: italic;">Word to Will Smith.</span>)<br /><br />AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting<br /><br />TONY ALLEN wants a pink Maybach. And some chicken fingers. And a pony.<br /><br />AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE is so so so open<br /><br />TONY ALLEN likes Lucky Charms<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE wonders why you have to follow your shots when they all go in anyway<br /><br />JEROME JAMES is wondering whether Big Baby would like to split a cow (<span style="font-style: italic;">I think this is the one that caused Jake to go into a mini-seizure.</span>)<br /><br />KENDRICK PERKINS doesn't know why y'all motherfuckers even bother (<span style="font-style: italic;">I enjoyed pretending to be KP a bit too much, I think.</span>)<br /><br />JARED JEFFRIES would like someone to come to the ball, please<br /><br />RAJON RONDO is friends with ASHLEY JUDD and SAUL SMITH<br /><br />KEVIN GARNETT has joined the group “LEBRON DIDN'T INVENT TALC” (<span style="font-style: italic;">Michael Jordan is the founding member of this group.</span>)<br /><br />RAY ALLEN appreciates the attention but thinks nothing of your defense<br /><br />JARED JEFFRIES is considering faking a seizure to get out of shooting free throws (<span style="font-style: italic;">I laughed out loud myself at this one. Shameless.</span>)<br /><br />SAM CASSELL is taking a nap<br /><br />WILSON CHANDLER thinks that was a foul<br /><br />BRIAN SCALABRINE thinks you should be excited<br /><br />CHRIS DUHON is now friends with JASON WILLIAMS, KIRK HINRICH and COACH K<br /><br />TIM THOMAS is now friends with CHRIS WASHBURN<br /><br />MALIK ROSE is wondering why he can't telecommute (<span style="font-style: italic;">I laughed at this one, too.</span>)<br /><br />MIKE D'ANTONI wonders whether anyone suspects the mustache is fake<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE is so open still, just in case you forgot<br /><br />WILSON CHANDLER actually hated "Cast Away" (<span style="font-style: italic;">The in-arena DJ or whoever plays the "Wilson? WILSON!" snippet whenever WC scores.</span>)<br /><br />PAUL PIERCE isn't even paying attention to the score<br /><br />RAJON RONDO is on you<br /><br />QUENTIN RICHARDSON feels a lot better, thanks<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE has joined the group “EDDIE HOUSE IS FUCKING OPEN!!!!!!!!!!!” (<span style="font-style: italic;">Well, he is.</span>)<br /><br />KEVIN GARNETT is thinking about shooting this free throw with his eyes closed<br /><br />WILSON CHANDLER doesn't get why the Knicks need LeBron<br /><br />NATE ROBINSON is so fucking shooting<br /><br />CHRIS DUHON just wants you to think he's shooting<br /><br />KENDRICK PERKINS doesn't know what the fuss is about, y'all are 4-30 or some shit<br /><br />QUENTIN RICHARDSON wonders whether you want to take it outside<br /><br />WHOOPI GOLDBERG thinks "Eddie" was pretty accurate<br /><br />BRIAN SCALABRINE is in the game!!!!!!!!<br /><br />NATE ROBINSON and AL HARRINGTON have joined the group “SHOOT FIRST, ASK QUESTIONS LAST”<br /><br />KEVIN GARNETT never said you could bring that shit back in here motherfucker<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE is so open he can't stand it<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">HALFTIME</span><br /><br />TONY ALLEN is worried he forgot to TiVo "America's Biggest Coalmining Disasters." (<span style="font-style: italic;">Tried a couple show titles—I think the first was "America's Biggest Dogs." This is better, I think.</span>)<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE is open open open open OPEN<br /><br />JEROME JAMES wonders why it has to be Gatorade all the time. Why not milkshakes or creamed corn or pulled pork? (<span style="font-style: italic;">I added "pulled pork" when I got home.</span>)<br /><br />MIKE D'ANTONI is friends with STEVE NASH, DANILO GALLINARI'S DAD and KOBE BRYANT<br /><br />JARED JEFFRIES can't believe he made that shot either<br /><br />AL HARRINGTON is so fucking shooting the first chance he gets<br /><br />KEVIN GARNETT does not allow layups<br /><br />RAY ALLEN is friends with REGGIE MILLER and STEPHEN CURRY<br /><br />QUENTIN RICHARDSON has joined the group “YOU’RE LUCKY THIS ISN’T THE STREET”<br /><br />KENDRICK PERKINS is pretty sure this isn't the Finals<br /><br />QUENTIN RICHARDSON really wants to switch off of KG<br /><br />PAUL PIERCE missed that one on purpose<br /><br />QUENTIN RICHARDSON thinks Kendrick Perkins wouldn't say that on the streets<br /><br />WILSON CHANDLER wishes he saved some room on his neck<br /><br />RAY ALLEN would like you to know that he is not left-handed (<span style="font-style: italic;">Word to Inigo Montoya.</span>)<br /><br />RAJON RONDO just faked you the fuck out<br /><br />KEVIN GARNETT is wondering, since impossible is nothing, what is impossible really?<br /><br />TIM THOMAS wants to be woken up by the end of the third<br /><br />PAUL PIERCE thinks they should make his shoes in adult sizes (<span style="font-style: italic;">They don't, which is somewhat remarkable.</span>)<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE is so open it hurts<br /><br />BRIAN SCALABRINE wants to know what kind of puppy to get (<span style="font-style: italic;">Perhaps a Shih-Tzu?</span>)<br /><br />TONY ALLEN is pretty sure he left the shower running<br /><br />AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE is friends with DAMON JONES<br /><br />HAMMER says stop. Hammertime<br /><br />TOMMY HEINSOHN is wondering why Walter McCarty never plays anymore<br /><br />BOB COUSY thinks this team needs to win like, eight more banners before they can talk<br /><br />PENNY MARSHALL is dying for a fucking cigarette wrapped in a nicotine patch<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE is sooooooo open<br /><br />RAY ALLEN needs some recalibrations<br /><br />CHRIS DUHON wonders whether he'll ever have a goddamn backup<br /><br />ALLAN HOUSTON wants to be activated<br /><br />BRIAN SCALABRINE has to go back to the locker room real quick, tell me what happens<br /><br />AL HARRINGTON is so fucking shooting AND he has 25, what<br /><br />KENDRICK PERKINS is pretty sure only one team out here is the defending champs and it's not you<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE is more open than he's ever been in his whole life<br /><br />ANTHONY ROBERSON wants to know whether he got cut and nobody told him<br /><br />MALIK ROSE has joined the group I WENT TO WILT CHAMBERLAIN'S HIGH SCHOOL AND PLAYED WITH TIM DUNCAN AND THIS IS WHAT I GET?<br /><br />EDDY CURRY is friends with EMERIL, CHEF BOYARDEE and CAP'N CRUNCH (<span style="font-style: italic;">Yeah, yeah, it's cruel and predictable. I'm no Ralph Wiley.</span>)<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE is so open it makes his brain hurt<br /><br />KEVIN GARNETT voted for Yi<br /><br />NATE ROBINSON just ate an entire bag of Gummi Worms<br /><br />AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting<br /><br />Q RICH is wondering how he only has two points<br /><br />AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE wonders why no one ever passes him the ball<br /><br />NATE ROBINSON wants you to guard him<br /><br />GREG DREILING thinks he was born 20 years too soon<br /><br />CHRIS FORD knows he would have won a goddamn title too if he had KG and Paul Pierce and Ray Allen (<span style="font-style: italic;">Chris Ford is a scout, and in attendance.</span>)<br /><br />ROBERT WERDANN is friends with BILL WENNINGTON (<span style="font-style: italic;">Ditto Robert Werdann. And Greg Dreiling, for that matter.</span>)<br /><br />AL HARRINGTON has joined the group "EAT IT, NELLIE"<br /><br />PAUL PIERCE doesn't care if you bring the triple team<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE hasn't been this open since 2001<br /><br />DAVID LEE will take rebounds any way he can<br /><br />LEON POWE will dunk on you<br /><br />AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting even if he has to fall back 25 feet to do it<br /><br />TONY ALLEN needs to return some videotapes (<span style="font-style: italic;">Word to Patrick Bateman.</span>)<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE shoots even when he doesn't have the ball<br /><br />AL HARRINGTON has 30!!!<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE is open all the damn time<br /><br />LEON POWE is outworking you right now, fools<br /><br />TONY ALLEN is playing one on four on five on three right now. In case you were wondering, he's winning. (<span style="font-style: italic;">I love this one still.</span>)<br /><br />KEVIN GARNETT really wants to swat the shit out of that fucking t-shirt gun (<span style="font-style: italic;">Can't you see him doing this?</span>)<br /><br />DJ SOUL is happy he's not performing at the Mertelstein bas mitzvah (<span style="font-style: italic;">I think I told Jake this one out loud, not realizing until after the game that DJ Soul was situated RIGHT IN FRONT of the press seating. Whoops.</span>)<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE is willing to take your free throws for you<br /><br />TONY ALLEN is wondering where the damn garden is, and why the gym isn't square OR on Madison (<span style="font-style: italic;">This </span>still<span style="font-style: italic;"> isn't worded properly, but I liked the concept.</span>)<br /><br />BRIAN SCALABRINE thinks it would be polite if someone at least pretended to guard him (<span style="font-style: italic;">Uncontested corner threes all day.</span>)<br /><br />NATE ROBINSON just shot that<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE is opener than the openest thing there ever was<br /><br />AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting<br /><br />TONY ALLEN is wondering whether a quadruple-single is any good<br /><br />PAUL PIERCE fell asleep a half-hour ago<br /><br />AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting<br /><br />GABE PRUITT is wondering whether the Knicks City Kids get dental<br /><br />PENNY MARSHALL is wondering whether anyone would mind if she took one of the baskets<br /><br />TIM THOMAS is distracted by shiny objects<br /><br />JEROME JAMES wants to take that Big Mac / Whopper test over and over and over again until he gets it right<br /><br />KEVIN GARNETT wonders where the fucking help is<br /><br />PAUL PIERCE needs you to come to the damn ball<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE is still open<br /><br />BRIAN SCALABRINE is wondering whether he could play in boat shoes<br /><br />WILSON CHANDLER has got it goin' on<br /><br />MIKE D'ANTONI is friends with DONNIE WALSH<br /><br />JARED JEFFRIES has joined the group “MID-LEVEL UNEXCEPTIONAL”<br /><br />PAUL PIERCE would like you to have your jock back<br /><br />BRIAN SCALABRINE has joined the group “THROW IT DOWN, BIG MAN”<br /><br />WILSON CHANDLER has recorded a career high 28 points!<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE wishes he could pass it to himself.<br /><br />DAVID LEE thinks double-doubles are too easy<br /><br />CHRIS DUHON thinks your alma mater sucks<br /><br />RUSS BENGTSON thinks "win" montages from movies are cornier than a bag of Bugles (<span style="font-style: italic;">The Knicks only recently added this lame feature, including the tired Adrian/Rocky "Win!" scene. What's next, a mascot?</span>)<br /><br />RAY ALLEN is cooler than cool. Ice cold. (<span style="font-style: italic;">Word to Andre 3000.</span>)<br /><br />WILSON CHANDLER wishes this game was 45,671 minutes longer<br /><br />RAY ALLEN is missing all of these shots on purpose<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE is oooooooopen<br /><br />DOC RIVERS is emptying the bench<br /><br />PATRICK O’BRYANT is friends with ACIE EARL<br /><br />TONY ALLEN can see in infrared (<span style="font-style: italic;">Word to Geoff Tate.</span>)<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE is so open he's closed<br /><br />PATRICK O’BRYANT has joined the group "TRILLION" (<span style="font-style: italic;">You know what a trillion is, right?</span>)<br /><br />WILSON CHANDLER is on TV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br /><br />EDDIE HOUSE is gonna stick around and take a couple million shots to cool down if anyone wants to rebound<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">POSTGAME</span><br /><br />DONNIE WALSH wishes he never heard of Stephon Marbury.<br /><br />RUSS BENGTSON thinks people getting press passes signed in the tunnel is BS, especially when they don't even know who the players are. (<span style="font-style: italic;">They were probably kids of the Boston owner or something. But getting your alleged press credential signed DIRECTLY OVER the portion that expressly forbids such activity and then saying "oh who's 21?" (it's Wilson Chandler, morons) is really sketchy. If I tried that—not that I would, mind you—I'd get banned forever.</span>)<br /><br />PENNY MARSHALL would smoke oak leaves rolled in a final box right now. (<span style="font-style: italic;">She's a fiend for nicotine, our Penny.</span>)<br /><br />ROBERT PARISH isn't walking through that door, and if even he was, he'd be high as a motherfucker<br /><br />KEVIN GARNETT wants you dead<br /><br />RUSS BENGTSON doesn't know what the holdup is (<span style="font-style: italic;">The locker rooms are supposed to open 15 minutes after the game. The Celtics take at least a half-hour. Then the Big Three is nowhere to be seen.</span>)<br /><br />RAJON RONDO mixes Gucci and Vuitton because he can (<span style="font-style: italic;">I forget what he had of each, but he had both for sure. Pretty much everyone in the L has either a Gucci or Vuitton toiletries bag, if not both. Yet guys always need to borrow each other's lotion. So you can buy a $400 bag, but not a $4 bottle of Lubriderm? It's a mystery.</span>)<br /><br />CLIFFORD RAY only knows one kind of posting up and it's not this kind<br /><br />KEVIN GARNETT might have spontaneously combusted<br /><br />KENDRICK PERKINS invites you to dry his ass (<span style="font-style: italic;">The NBA does not use NBA-sized towels. And when Perk comes out of the shower, his towel covers just enough to avoid an indecent exposure charge. And the way the water is beading on his prodigious posterior makes it look like he used caranuba wax instead of Dial. What can I say, my mind works in mysterious ways.</span>)<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">•••••••••••••••••<br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12805994.post-56166459525483978662008-12-14T00:15:00.003-05:002008-12-14T00:22:32.698-05:00Jerome James Played Tonight.He got in with four minutes to go, the Knicks up 25. Stood by the scorer's table with a big grin on his face. Hit his first shot (a fallaway in the paint), grabbed a rebound or two, even threw in a between-the-legs dribble before, well, shooting an airball. Every move had the guys on the bench going nuts.<br /><br />The way he got up and down the court made Malik Rose look like Usain Bolt, but it was good to see Big Snacks finally get some run. Er, jog. Sometimes <a href="http://www.newsday.com/sports/basketball/ny-spknix015948368dec01,0,2115651.story">dreams do come true</a>.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12805994.post-69220832365367765272008-12-13T21:38:00.007-05:002008-12-13T22:24:55.385-05:00FREE TYRUS THOMAS!Four-for-four all on dunks against the Nets tonight—in the first half.<br /><br />Best protect ya neck.<br /><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/5JWUBZgszNg&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/5JWUBZgszNg&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><br />(Actually, I'm not positive they were all dunks, but he had a two-handed reverse off a Hughes 'oop that should count as four anyway.)<br /><br /><br />UPDATE: Tyrus apparently suffered a hyperextended neck in a collision with one of his own teammates, and may not play in the second half. Terrific.<br /><br />UPDATE II: Judging from the dunk he just threw down, I guess he's recovered somewhat. If Vinny doesn't keep giving him minutes, I won't be held responsible for my actions.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12805994.post-31914491825656946562008-12-13T14:18:00.003-05:002008-12-13T14:23:26.935-05:00Hey Mo! You're Fired!With his Brand-name Sixers off to a 9-14 start—and losers of eight of their last 10—Mo Cheeks is out in Philly. If you're keeping track, that's five NBA coaches fired before Christmas. Happy Holidays! You can <a href="http://slamonline.com/online/uncategorized/2008/12/mo-cheeks-is-out-in-philly/">read about Mo's ouster</a> in <a href="http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=3766766">various media outlets</a>, or just watch this instead:<br /><br /><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/u4ZgVRJ-H8U&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/u4ZgVRJ-H8U&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="344" width="425"></embed></object>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12805994.post-69245855708280616892008-12-13T13:36:00.005-05:002008-12-14T00:23:36.251-05:00Y MeThroughout my entire childhood, I only played one season of organized basketball. It was a mere blip—a layover in between Little League (which I played for all of two seasons) and soccer (which took me through my freshman year of high school).<br /><br />Later on, I played hours upon hours of pick-up at the University of Delaware and became (in my humble opinion) a decent recreational player. Much like Allen Iverson, I took great joy in playing the passing lanes and gambling for steals. Unlike Allen Iverson, was virtually everything else.<br /><br />But when I played my one season for the YMCA, I was awful. Completely and truly awful. I wore number 47, and, as best as I can recollect, didn't score a single point. My physique was reminiscient of Manute Bol, only two feet shorter and infinitely paler. I'm not sure whether I quit because I was bad, or because my parents mercifully declined to renew my contract. Thankfully, they documented my experience with this single photograph:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSbXLfpcwjYkCZeavluKmDbklvhWlMA-9yKvvf5n7g4qHLTjs58eo9TEuV6IYLKpjPAhiIa1e3XapJfCuMVdWnJ7WKRdwQODqh0iwtt5qE7RQZenmDCxjL4Z-ry0B5Yp7Gqth9/s1600-h/ymca2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 339px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSbXLfpcwjYkCZeavluKmDbklvhWlMA-9yKvvf5n7g4qHLTjs58eo9TEuV6IYLKpjPAhiIa1e3XapJfCuMVdWnJ7WKRdwQODqh0iwtt5qE7RQZenmDCxjL4Z-ry0B5Yp7Gqth9/s400/ymca2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5279348645589071330" border="0" /></a>That would be me playing Auerbachian defense. Hopefully the girl in the background became either a supermodel or Rebecca Lobo.<br /><br />While I wish I remembered more, at least my parents didn't own a video camera.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12805994.post-12013852995766623342008-12-12T15:28:00.003-05:002008-12-12T15:36:23.186-05:00Oh, Hai(ku)Is anyone there?<br />Am I typing for myself?<br />Readers, please comment.<br /><br />I'd just like to know<br />Who, if anyone, is there<br />Or if I'm alone<br /><br />Sorry to do this<br />I don't mean to intervene<br />Back to the background<br /><br />Updates to follow<br />On the semi-regular<br />Most likely in verseUnknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12805994.post-40401969982811236142008-12-12T12:35:00.005-05:002008-12-12T12:43:38.181-05:00PresstzelOne of the best things about the New York Knicks pressroom used to be the halftime pretzels. Served up warm from one of those rotisserie things they have at the concession stands, then liberally smeared with Gulden's Spicy Brown, the massive New York pretzels were the perfect antidote to the first half of alleged basketball you'd just witnessed.<br /><br />Wait a minute.<br /><br />"Used to be"?<br /><br />"Were"?<br /><br />Alas, yes. Apparently downsizing isn't limited to Wall Street bankers and members of the old media. Behold, the new pressroom pretzel:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoWyc8TLJBzE-E6N_PhWQFmlGzZKTLw5AEYMcjrOaQhGCeA2-qKVbVMFGUfz1kpaEab6Eu2eWgFruiuO3HrlQPBAw7BVZ3vr_GHNoWnmOdvvbQEzfpfRzNJk2ZOVYr6qhMQsse/s1600-h/msgpretzel.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoWyc8TLJBzE-E6N_PhWQFmlGzZKTLw5AEYMcjrOaQhGCeA2-qKVbVMFGUfz1kpaEab6Eu2eWgFruiuO3HrlQPBAw7BVZ3vr_GHNoWnmOdvvbQEzfpfRzNJk2ZOVYr6qhMQsse/s400/msgpretzel.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5278959092911135826" border="0" /></a><br />Sigh.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12805994.post-65012158006368172872008-12-11T17:49:00.003-05:002008-12-11T17:56:28.066-05:00Suns TradeGoodnight Bell and Diaw<br />Thank you for everything<br />It won't be the same<br /><br />*****<br /><br />Aloha, J-Rich<br />You would have liked D'Antoni<br />Sorry about that<br /><br />******<br /><br />Hello, Amar'e?<br />We just used our '10 capspace.<br />Hello? Amar'e?<br /><br />******<br /><br />Hey Steve? This is Steve.<br />We traded your friend Raja.<br />Can you play defense?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12805994.post-76309129273947263262008-12-10T18:55:00.003-05:002008-12-10T18:59:12.607-05:00Yi, MackJust so you know, the Nets are serious about promoting Yi Jianlian to the potential Chinese audience. I saw this poster a couple weeks ago in Chinatown.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiepJIB7DrNj7uiMRbzoC5JfKyrYMo04Yyt9Yupx5tk1GcdUMbMZmp8_iLsQJ0tTM30JkAoE0hYajhUuSae_PNRSBbVbMkGR88fxyxWFkD9UJK01ce7tXiCeKoXoqUR_E6I3k8t/s1600-h/yiposterchinatown.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 267px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiepJIB7DrNj7uiMRbzoC5JfKyrYMo04Yyt9Yupx5tk1GcdUMbMZmp8_iLsQJ0tTM30JkAoE0hYajhUuSae_PNRSBbVbMkGR88fxyxWFkD9UJK01ce7tXiCeKoXoqUR_E6I3k8t/s400/yiposterchinatown.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5278314723252789282" border="0" /></a><br />Devin, Vince, and James Taylor are bummed.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12805994.post-62355853633502641312008-12-10T10:59:00.005-05:002008-12-10T11:20:47.928-05:00Bad Meaning Bad, Not Bad Meaning GoodSo I think I'm gonna start sporadically updating this thing—sporadically meaning "more than once every three months." I can't promise something every day, but I'll at least make a good-faith effort. What will it be? I have no idea. But I'll let y'all know when I do on my <a href="http://twitter.com/SPRFLS">Twitter feed</a> (I know, I know). So yeah, follow that.<br /><br />Since I'm here, I might as well make some basketball-related points:<br /><br />• Is it just me, or are the bad teams particularly bad this season? I don't know whether statistical analysis would back this up (and I don't care enough to look anything up), but I DO know that of the four ESPN/TNT games last Thursday and Friday, all of them involved 20-point leads at one point, and none of them were remotely competitive. Maybe it's a combination of the bad teams being really bad and the good teams being really good. Whatever it is, it doesn't make for very compelling games.<br /><br />• The Detroit Pistons, as constructed last year, were like a solid rock band. I'm not sure who—say, Coldplay. Not Radiohead or anything, not the Stones, but a solid band that sold plenty of records (do bands still do that?) and had plenty of fans and all that. Most importantly, they were a cohesive unit. The Iverson trade was the equivalent of dropping Gwyneth's husband and replacing him with David Lee Roth. I mean, yes, it was a major shake-up, and it could lead to new and interesting things, but did anyone pause to consider whether it would SOUND good? (Michael Curry seems supremely overmatched as well, but that's for another time.) Now it seems like AI isn't happy, and neither are his new teammates. In other words, this looks like a lose/lose. Can we start to re-assess Joe Dumars's skills as a general manager? (That's for another time too, I suppose.)<br /><br />• The first thing Donnie Walsh should have done as Knicks GM was write Stephon Marbury a $23 million check.<br /><br />• I know it's awfully early, but I think David Stern gets the manna-from-heaven gift of a Cavs/Lakers Finals. That is, unless the Spurs ruin it.<br /><br />• Not that it means much for the summer of '10, but if I were an NBA player, there'd be worse alternatives than playing for max money for Mike D'Antoni.<br /><br />• There are no words for <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gcm-hdg9z44">Darko Milicic channeling his inner Hulk Hogan</a>.<br /><br />• And finally, a haiku:<br /><br />Jared Jeffries is<br />Mid-level exceptional<br />If you like chargesUnknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12805994.post-61634331109080082682008-09-26T09:04:00.000-04:002008-09-26T09:04:00.824-04:001. Josh ChildressGoodbye, NBA<br />The Greek isles are waiting<br />Restricted no moreUnknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12805994.post-1916974362685377362008-09-25T09:03:00.001-04:002008-09-25T09:03:01.058-04:002. Stephon MarburyPassion unbridled<br />Not always a good idea<br />What are you on, dude?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12805994.post-39054733089062679252008-09-24T09:02:00.000-04:002008-09-24T09:02:00.681-04:003. Al JeffersonBig man in Minny<br />A double-double a day<br />A beast on the blocksUnknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12805994.post-19914836292144476502008-09-23T09:01:00.000-04:002008-09-23T09:01:00.636-04:004. Rasheed WallaceTwenty-three foot nine<br />Your desired position<br />A true outsiderUnknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12805994.post-4895737776487489262008-09-22T11:58:00.000-04:002008-09-22T12:00:43.422-04:005. Dwight HowardHey, son of Jor-El<br />Shaq was Superman first, dude<br />You’re not quite there yetUnknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12805994.post-9078754770376539802008-09-19T09:19:00.001-04:002008-09-22T12:06:18.064-04:006. Andris BiedrinsFifty or sixty?<br />Your new guaranteed contract<br />Buys lots of hair gelUnknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12805994.post-42519353140432598382008-09-18T09:18:00.001-04:002008-09-22T12:06:45.974-04:007. Luol DengSmall forward, big plans<br />The future isn’t waiting<br />Do something now, pleaseUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12805994.post-8934423844292548522008-09-17T09:17:00.001-04:002008-09-22T12:07:31.400-04:008. Baron DavisDespite what they say<br />You are going home again<br />Oh yeah, Elton leftUnknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12805994.post-25158293395070670032008-09-16T09:16:00.000-04:002008-09-16T09:16:00.819-04:009. LeBron JamesBillionaire athlete?<br />Too bad Tiger will be first<br />How much does Jay have?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12805994.post-58689678122524953802008-09-15T10:15:00.000-04:002008-09-15T10:16:27.706-04:0010. Elton BrandOpted to opt out<br />Philadelphia freedom<br />Sterling maneuverUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12805994.post-38692757558081009852008-09-12T09:30:00.000-04:002008-09-12T09:30:00.523-04:0011. Dwyane WadeFall down seven times<br />Miss the rest of the season<br />Maybe work on thatUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12805994.post-83052548018593869842008-09-11T09:29:00.000-04:002008-09-11T09:29:00.594-04:0012. Manu GinobiliTremendous passion<br />Undeniable talent<br />Floppiest flopperUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12805994.post-40133389132105052062008-09-10T09:28:00.000-04:002008-09-10T09:28:00.498-04:0013. Derrick RoseYou went number one<br />Chicago’s newest savior<br />Better not fuck upUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12805994.post-10845203605796729122008-09-09T09:27:00.000-04:002008-09-09T09:27:01.019-04:0014. Shawn MarionGot out of Phoenix<br />Max contract, All-Star, winning<br />Who cares about that?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12805994.post-63494369923539016952008-09-08T23:25:00.002-04:002008-09-08T23:38:18.080-04:00REPLACEMENT 16As one of my astute readers (or perhaps my one reader, who happens to be astute—Ryan doesn't count) pointed out, I posted my Caron Butler haiku twice, at 16 and 25. I suppose I could claim that Butler is so good that he deserves two spots on my definitive All-Haiku NBA Top 50 List™, but that would be a total lie. So I owe you, my faithful reader(s) a replacement poem. Which I shall write right NOW.<br /><br />Here's the thing, though. I will not put a name with this haiku. It will be up to you, dear reader(s), to guess the subject. It will probably be either super-easy or completely impossible. First, though, I should refer to the list so I don't make the same mistake twice. Sigh.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Blocks and dunks? Simple.</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">The rest of the game, not yet.</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Great expectations.</span><br /><br />(I was actually thinking of two different guys when I wrote this, but it fits one better than the other. Not sure whether it's super-easy or completely impossible, although I expect the guy I wasn't really thinking of to be named before the guy I was really thinking of. If that makes any sense.)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com10