That said, I wouldn't still be doing it if I didn't enjoy it. And part of the enjoyment comes with finding ways to keep it fresh. So when it suddenly hit me last night to record the Knicks/Celtics game as a stream-of-consciousness Facebook page of status updates, friend requests and group joinings, I was overjoyed. (Jake Appleman and Howard Beck get assists.) Jake joined in for the usual official Appleson collabo which you can read over at SLAMonline whenever it gets posted. But since that's been sliced and diced, I figured I'd present my unedited unexpurgated uncensored and unhinged version for you here. I spent the whole damn game furiously typing into my Sidekick, cackling maniacally and showing Jake far too many lines as they came out (sorry, Jake). There are no score updates (the Knicks won), and hardly any notations of time. It can be repetitious, it's long as hell, and there are some clunkers, but hey, nobody's perfect.
CONFESSION: Some of these were written when I got home, and others on the train, so it's not entirely stream-of-consciousness. Also, I've added some explanations in italics.
Oh yeah, I just signed up for Facebook last week. Go me.
PREGAME
TIM THOMAS just hit 11 straight threes (The Knicks must have read my notes from the previous game, because a whole mess of them were warming up. At one point we glanced over, and Tim was languidly shooting threes from the left elbow—and he couldn't miss. Jake and I counted 11 straight, but it may have even been more. He only hit the the rim two or three times in all, and wasn't even jumping. Then he moved to the corner and clanked six or seven straight.)
PENNY MARSHALL is wondering what she can get signed (I've seen Penny Marshall at a lot of games—primarily All-Star and the Finals—since I started doing this, and she is a shameless memorabilia hound. She'd take the shoes off your feet. More on this later.)
RAJON RONDO wants to know the score of the Kentucky/Louisville game
KEVIN GARNETT isn't talking to you (Since the beginning of time—or at least since Michael Jordan—it's been something of a tradition for star players to not speak during the pregame media time. KG takes this to extremes by more or less not talking AT ALL. I've known him for over 10 years now, and when he came in, he just offered a fist bump and sort of patted me on the shoulder. No words.)
SAM CASSELL still has big balls. (Self-explanatory.)
BRIAN SCALABRINE is working on lateral quickness. Or doing the electric slide. (Seriously. I have no idea what he's doing.)
FIRST QUARTER
NATE ROBINSON is open
EDDIE HOUSE is open (You'll note some recurring themes.)
KEVIN GARNETT is diving for loose balls at zero-zero (Seriously. He's insane.)
EDDIE HOUSE is wondering what Doc Rivers is thinking
DOC RIVERS is thinking that Eddie House shouldn't be in
QUENTIN RICHARDSON wants to take this outside (Q has had some combative things to say about the Celtics...)
KENDRICK PERKINS is trying not to laugh
BRIAN SCALABRINE is on a beach, earning 20 percent (Word to Hans Gruber.)
STEPHON MARBURY thinks he looks good in green
HAYWOODE WORKMAN thinks he could back up Chris Duhon (Haywoode Workman is correct.)
RAY ALLEN is cooler than you
JEROME JAMES wants a hot dog.
EDDY CURRY wants one, too.
WILSON CHANDLER is thinking of his next tattoo.
JARED JEFFRIES is wondering what kind of glue he is.
Q TIP is friends with ALI SHAHEED MUHAMMAD and PHIFE DAWG (Q-Tip does the new Knicks song, 10 years too late. Maybe 20.)
EDDIE HOUSE es su casa (also, he's open) (Eddie House is also not in the game. Hey, it was funny to me.)
DOC RIVERS is wondering why he didn't wear the blue suit
JON STEWART is glad he didn't invite that Colbert fucker (Jake toned this down in the for-SLAM version. What can I say, I'm a profane motherfucker.)
Q RICH is hitting his head with only one fist to be different
KENDRICK PERKINS is friends with LUC LONGLEY and FRANCISCO ELSON
RAJON RONDO is friends with KENNY ANDERSON and ROD STRICKLAND
ANTHONY ROBERSON has joined the group “NO, REALLY, I’M IN THE NBA”
PAUL PIERCE thinks little of your defense
DAVID LEE wonders what's in his lunch pail today
KEVIN GARNETT would like you to get that shit out of here (Chris Duhon's shot got blocked so bad it broke gravity.)
RAJON RONDO likes to shoot sometimes, too
EDDIE HOUSE es open
KEVIN GARNETT is talking to HIMSELF not you, OK?????????
HAYWOODE WORKMAN thinks he knows the rules by now, thanks (Doc Rivers was complaining about something or other.)
KENDRICK PERKINS would appreciate the ball movement to move in his direction sometimes
CHRIS DUHON has a three for you
KEVIN GARNETT is friends with BILL RUSSELL
DAVID LEE appreciates your going for his pump fake
RAY ALLEN makes polished glass look rough
MIKE D'ANTONI wishes he got the number-one pick
AL HARRINGTON has joined the group “WHY AREN’T I STARTING?????”
QUENTIN RICHARDSON is friends with DARIUS MILES
GLEN DAVIS wonders what Nate Robinson would taste like
DANILO GALLINARI is still occasionally transfixed by the scoreboard
SPIKE LEE wishes Reggie were here
AL HARRINGTON is wondering why he sat on the bench for so goddamn long
AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting (You'll note another recurring theme.)
EDDIE HOUSE is open
JARED JEFFRIES is unsure why anyone passes him the ball more than a foot from the basket
WILSON CHANDLER don't need no 24-second clock
TIM THOMAS wants to know what the score is
NATE ROBINSON is wondering why he sat on the bench for so long (I considered changing Nate's username to "NATE THE 5-9," until I realized I'd need to come up with clever names for everybody. Not at 1 a.m. I wouldn't. Goodbye to that idea.)
AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting
PAUL PIERCE is wondering what's happening later tonight
AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting
KEVIN GARNETT is steaming
EDDIE HOUSE is in the game!!!!!!!!!!!
EDDIE HOUSE is open
EDDIE HOUSE IS OPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (The thing is, I could totally see Eddie House doing this, despite the fact that he shows up to games in three-piece suits and seems completely sane off the court.)
DOC RIVERS is worried about dinner reservations
DAVID LEE so did not travel
EDDIE HOUSE thinks "shoot first" is a malaprop since nothing ever comes second (I had to play with this one until it sounded right. Is 'malaprop' even correct?)
EDDIE HOUSE is OPEN. ARE YOU ALL BLIND????
AL HARRINGTON totally meant to shoot that
RAY ALLEN has seven points and you didn't even know it, did you?
AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting
EDDIE HOUSE IS OPEN AGAIN MY GOD WHY DON'T THEY SEE ME?
PAUL PIERCE is thinking about window treatments
RAY ALLEN would rather not have Big Baby fall on him again (Big Baby did indeed fall on him.)
PAUL PIERCE thinks Q flopped (PP brushed by Q, who staggered back like he'd been shot. No call.)
CLYDE FRAZIER is wondering why nothing rhymes with "orange"
COURTNEY GALIANO kind of wishes she stuck with astrophysics (A former Knicks City Dancer who was on one of those dance TV shows, Courtney came out with a partner and did a rhumba or a samba or some kind of -ba.)
EDDIE HOUSE is open. WIDE OPEN.
JEROME JAMES is kind of tired. And hungry. Mostly hungry.
s
JARED JEFFRIES will not shoot under any circumstances so don't even think about it
EDDIE HOUSE is so open you don't even know it
TONY ALLEN has joined the group “VFDVSDASDC BCDCVERGE CDCVD!!!!!” (This was a late-night addition that I was totally, unreasonably psyched about. Tony Allen is crazy.)
AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting
BIG BABY will screen you like you've never been screened before
PAUL PIERCE scoffs at your so-called defense
AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting
LEON POWE wishes he could play with his ring on
EDDIE HOUSE says it's about goddamn time
EDDIE HOUSE is open and ON FIRE. PASS IT TO ME ALREADY
EDDIE HOUSE will do it all himself if he has to
EDDIE HOUSE has joined the group “WORLD B. FREE PASSED TOO MUCH” (Another late-night 'Eureka!' moment.)
DOC RIVERS isn't sure whether you guys remember what 'ubuntu' means
KEVIN GARNETT fuck yeah fucking motherfuckers fucking fuck. FUCK.
KEVIN GARNETT has joined the group “WHATCHALL KNOW ABOUT THE DIRTY SOUTH?”
TAYE DIGGS is dead sexy
EDDIE HOUSE is more open than he's been ALL DAMN DAY AND YOU DON'T EVEN SEE HIM
TONY ALLEN isn't sure what planet he's from, but it's really, really cool.
KEVIN GARNETT ain't trying to pick up that third foul
JEROME JAMES wants you in his belly
AL HARRINGTON is fucking passing
AL HARRINGTON has had enough of that
NATE ROBINSON can beat Mike Tyson (Word to Will Smith.)
AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting
TONY ALLEN wants a pink Maybach. And some chicken fingers. And a pony.
AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting
EDDIE HOUSE is so so so open
TONY ALLEN likes Lucky Charms
EDDIE HOUSE wonders why you have to follow your shots when they all go in anyway
JEROME JAMES is wondering whether Big Baby would like to split a cow (I think this is the one that caused Jake to go into a mini-seizure.)
KENDRICK PERKINS doesn't know why y'all motherfuckers even bother (I enjoyed pretending to be KP a bit too much, I think.)
JARED JEFFRIES would like someone to come to the ball, please
RAJON RONDO is friends with ASHLEY JUDD and SAUL SMITH
KEVIN GARNETT has joined the group “LEBRON DIDN'T INVENT TALC” (Michael Jordan is the founding member of this group.)
RAY ALLEN appreciates the attention but thinks nothing of your defense
JARED JEFFRIES is considering faking a seizure to get out of shooting free throws (I laughed out loud myself at this one. Shameless.)
SAM CASSELL is taking a nap
WILSON CHANDLER thinks that was a foul
BRIAN SCALABRINE thinks you should be excited
CHRIS DUHON is now friends with JASON WILLIAMS, KIRK HINRICH and COACH K
TIM THOMAS is now friends with CHRIS WASHBURN
MALIK ROSE is wondering why he can't telecommute (I laughed at this one, too.)
MIKE D'ANTONI wonders whether anyone suspects the mustache is fake
EDDIE HOUSE is so open still, just in case you forgot
WILSON CHANDLER actually hated "Cast Away" (The in-arena DJ or whoever plays the "Wilson? WILSON!" snippet whenever WC scores.)
PAUL PIERCE isn't even paying attention to the score
RAJON RONDO is on you
QUENTIN RICHARDSON feels a lot better, thanks
EDDIE HOUSE has joined the group “EDDIE HOUSE IS FUCKING OPEN!!!!!!!!!!!” (Well, he is.)
KEVIN GARNETT is thinking about shooting this free throw with his eyes closed
WILSON CHANDLER doesn't get why the Knicks need LeBron
NATE ROBINSON is so fucking shooting
CHRIS DUHON just wants you to think he's shooting
KENDRICK PERKINS doesn't know what the fuss is about, y'all are 4-30 or some shit
QUENTIN RICHARDSON wonders whether you want to take it outside
WHOOPI GOLDBERG thinks "Eddie" was pretty accurate
BRIAN SCALABRINE is in the game!!!!!!!!
NATE ROBINSON and AL HARRINGTON have joined the group “SHOOT FIRST, ASK QUESTIONS LAST”
KEVIN GARNETT never said you could bring that shit back in here motherfucker
EDDIE HOUSE is so open he can't stand it
HALFTIME
TONY ALLEN is worried he forgot to TiVo "America's Biggest Coalmining Disasters." (Tried a couple show titles—I think the first was "America's Biggest Dogs." This is better, I think.)
EDDIE HOUSE is open open open open OPEN
JEROME JAMES wonders why it has to be Gatorade all the time. Why not milkshakes or creamed corn or pulled pork? (I added "pulled pork" when I got home.)
MIKE D'ANTONI is friends with STEVE NASH, DANILO GALLINARI'S DAD and KOBE BRYANT
JARED JEFFRIES can't believe he made that shot either
AL HARRINGTON is so fucking shooting the first chance he gets
KEVIN GARNETT does not allow layups
RAY ALLEN is friends with REGGIE MILLER and STEPHEN CURRY
QUENTIN RICHARDSON has joined the group “YOU’RE LUCKY THIS ISN’T THE STREET”
KENDRICK PERKINS is pretty sure this isn't the Finals
QUENTIN RICHARDSON really wants to switch off of KG
PAUL PIERCE missed that one on purpose
QUENTIN RICHARDSON thinks Kendrick Perkins wouldn't say that on the streets
WILSON CHANDLER wishes he saved some room on his neck
RAY ALLEN would like you to know that he is not left-handed (Word to Inigo Montoya.)
RAJON RONDO just faked you the fuck out
KEVIN GARNETT is wondering, since impossible is nothing, what is impossible really?
TIM THOMAS wants to be woken up by the end of the third
PAUL PIERCE thinks they should make his shoes in adult sizes (They don't, which is somewhat remarkable.)
EDDIE HOUSE is so open it hurts
BRIAN SCALABRINE wants to know what kind of puppy to get (Perhaps a Shih-Tzu?)
TONY ALLEN is pretty sure he left the shower running
AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting
EDDIE HOUSE is friends with DAMON JONES
HAMMER says stop. Hammertime
TOMMY HEINSOHN is wondering why Walter McCarty never plays anymore
BOB COUSY thinks this team needs to win like, eight more banners before they can talk
PENNY MARSHALL is dying for a fucking cigarette wrapped in a nicotine patch
EDDIE HOUSE is sooooooo open
RAY ALLEN needs some recalibrations
CHRIS DUHON wonders whether he'll ever have a goddamn backup
ALLAN HOUSTON wants to be activated
BRIAN SCALABRINE has to go back to the locker room real quick, tell me what happens
AL HARRINGTON is so fucking shooting AND he has 25, what
KENDRICK PERKINS is pretty sure only one team out here is the defending champs and it's not you
EDDIE HOUSE is more open than he's ever been in his whole life
ANTHONY ROBERSON wants to know whether he got cut and nobody told him
MALIK ROSE has joined the group I WENT TO WILT CHAMBERLAIN'S HIGH SCHOOL AND PLAYED WITH TIM DUNCAN AND THIS IS WHAT I GET?
EDDY CURRY is friends with EMERIL, CHEF BOYARDEE and CAP'N CRUNCH (Yeah, yeah, it's cruel and predictable. I'm no Ralph Wiley.)
EDDIE HOUSE is so open it makes his brain hurt
KEVIN GARNETT voted for Yi
NATE ROBINSON just ate an entire bag of Gummi Worms
AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting
Q RICH is wondering how he only has two points
AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting
EDDIE HOUSE wonders why no one ever passes him the ball
NATE ROBINSON wants you to guard him
GREG DREILING thinks he was born 20 years too soon
CHRIS FORD knows he would have won a goddamn title too if he had KG and Paul Pierce and Ray Allen (Chris Ford is a scout, and in attendance.)
ROBERT WERDANN is friends with BILL WENNINGTON (Ditto Robert Werdann. And Greg Dreiling, for that matter.)
AL HARRINGTON has joined the group "EAT IT, NELLIE"
PAUL PIERCE doesn't care if you bring the triple team
EDDIE HOUSE hasn't been this open since 2001
DAVID LEE will take rebounds any way he can
LEON POWE will dunk on you
AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting even if he has to fall back 25 feet to do it
TONY ALLEN needs to return some videotapes (Word to Patrick Bateman.)
EDDIE HOUSE shoots even when he doesn't have the ball
AL HARRINGTON has 30!!!
EDDIE HOUSE is open all the damn time
LEON POWE is outworking you right now, fools
TONY ALLEN is playing one on four on five on three right now. In case you were wondering, he's winning. (I love this one still.)
KEVIN GARNETT really wants to swat the shit out of that fucking t-shirt gun (Can't you see him doing this?)
DJ SOUL is happy he's not performing at the Mertelstein bas mitzvah (I think I told Jake this one out loud, not realizing until after the game that DJ Soul was situated RIGHT IN FRONT of the press seating. Whoops.)
EDDIE HOUSE is willing to take your free throws for you
TONY ALLEN is wondering where the damn garden is, and why the gym isn't square OR on Madison (This still isn't worded properly, but I liked the concept.)
BRIAN SCALABRINE thinks it would be polite if someone at least pretended to guard him (Uncontested corner threes all day.)
NATE ROBINSON just shot that
EDDIE HOUSE is opener than the openest thing there ever was
AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting
TONY ALLEN is wondering whether a quadruple-single is any good
PAUL PIERCE fell asleep a half-hour ago
AL HARRINGTON is fucking shooting
GABE PRUITT is wondering whether the Knicks City Kids get dental
PENNY MARSHALL is wondering whether anyone would mind if she took one of the baskets
TIM THOMAS is distracted by shiny objects
JEROME JAMES wants to take that Big Mac / Whopper test over and over and over again until he gets it right
KEVIN GARNETT wonders where the fucking help is
PAUL PIERCE needs you to come to the damn ball
EDDIE HOUSE is still open
BRIAN SCALABRINE is wondering whether he could play in boat shoes
WILSON CHANDLER has got it goin' on
MIKE D'ANTONI is friends with DONNIE WALSH
JARED JEFFRIES has joined the group “MID-LEVEL UNEXCEPTIONAL”
PAUL PIERCE would like you to have your jock back
BRIAN SCALABRINE has joined the group “THROW IT DOWN, BIG MAN”
WILSON CHANDLER has recorded a career high 28 points!
EDDIE HOUSE wishes he could pass it to himself.
DAVID LEE thinks double-doubles are too easy
CHRIS DUHON thinks your alma mater sucks
RUSS BENGTSON thinks "win" montages from movies are cornier than a bag of Bugles (The Knicks only recently added this lame feature, including the tired Adrian/Rocky "Win!" scene. What's next, a mascot?)
RAY ALLEN is cooler than cool. Ice cold. (Word to Andre 3000.)
WILSON CHANDLER wishes this game was 45,671 minutes longer
RAY ALLEN is missing all of these shots on purpose
EDDIE HOUSE is oooooooopen
DOC RIVERS is emptying the bench
PATRICK O’BRYANT is friends with ACIE EARL
TONY ALLEN can see in infrared (Word to Geoff Tate.)
EDDIE HOUSE is so open he's closed
PATRICK O’BRYANT has joined the group "TRILLION" (You know what a trillion is, right?)
WILSON CHANDLER is on TV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EDDIE HOUSE is gonna stick around and take a couple million shots to cool down if anyone wants to rebound
POSTGAME
DONNIE WALSH wishes he never heard of Stephon Marbury.
RUSS BENGTSON thinks people getting press passes signed in the tunnel is BS, especially when they don't even know who the players are. (They were probably kids of the Boston owner or something. But getting your alleged press credential signed DIRECTLY OVER the portion that expressly forbids such activity and then saying "oh who's 21?" (it's Wilson Chandler, morons) is really sketchy. If I tried that—not that I would, mind you—I'd get banned forever.)
PENNY MARSHALL would smoke oak leaves rolled in a final box right now. (She's a fiend for nicotine, our Penny.)
ROBERT PARISH isn't walking through that door, and if even he was, he'd be high as a motherfucker
KEVIN GARNETT wants you dead
RUSS BENGTSON doesn't know what the holdup is (The locker rooms are supposed to open 15 minutes after the game. The Celtics take at least a half-hour. Then the Big Three is nowhere to be seen.)
RAJON RONDO mixes Gucci and Vuitton because he can (I forget what he had of each, but he had both for sure. Pretty much everyone in the L has either a Gucci or Vuitton toiletries bag, if not both. Yet guys always need to borrow each other's lotion. So you can buy a $400 bag, but not a $4 bottle of Lubriderm? It's a mystery.)
CLIFFORD RAY only knows one kind of posting up and it's not this kind
KEVIN GARNETT might have spontaneously combusted
KENDRICK PERKINS invites you to dry his ass (The NBA does not use NBA-sized towels. And when Perk comes out of the shower, his towel covers just enough to avoid an indecent exposure charge. And the way the water is beading on his prodigious posterior makes it look like he used caranuba wax instead of Dial. What can I say, my mind works in mysterious ways.)
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